Dear Ken (Barbie’s Boyfriend)

Dear Ken,

I’m writing this letter to you in the hopes that you can actually read. I wanted to make you aware of a new baby doll that Toys R Us has developed. It’s an anatomically correct baby boy doll. Do you know what I mean, Ken? Do you know what this baby has that you don’t? Don’t you think it’s time you grew up and look into maybe getting yourself a set of genitals?

Listen, I’ve been reviewing your resume and am not surprised to see you’ve listed some interesting things under the previous employment section. “Jobs” such as: beach bum, best man, campus hero, tourist, fraternity member, rock star, cowboy, escort (I do not even want to know), and roller skater are all listed as if you really believe these so called career choices would impress any of us. Do you know what Barbie’s been doing in the mean time? She’s been to the moon, Ken! Before Neil Armstrong! She’s taught, she’s been a vet and a doctor, she’s even been a CEO. No wonder she doesn’t want to marry you. When Barbie and I were good friends, she would date just about any one rather than you. She dated He-Man and the Purple Pie Man from Strawberry Shortcake land (he was a bad boy but he was tall and she liked that). Then you came along. I remember how cool you thought you were just because you could grow facial hair! And remember when you got your ear pierced? All the things you’ve done to try to impress when all you really needed to do was grow up and get a job, ya Loser.

So look, in closing I would just like you to take a good look at yourself and what you should be representing. You should be Barbie’s equal and partner. You should be able to bring as much to the relationship as she does. You can even be a stay at home dad if you want but leave the surf board and roller skates at your parents’. When a baby is already more of a man than you are, you better do something real quick to change your image. I’m telling you. Super heros are making a big time come-back. I wouldn’t be surprised to see He Man back in the spot light again, and Barbie’s old feelings will be rekindled. You’ll lose her and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Grow up, get a real job, and a new hair cut while you’re at it and maybe you’ll be the next in line for the Toys R Us plastic surgeons.


An old friend of Barbie’s