Good Morning, Beautiful! Don’t Get Too Close

I woke up this morning on my side of the bed, my husband was curled up on his side. Space enough for a whole other person between us. When we first got married, I remember being sad about this. Why weren’t we waking up all snuggled together like on TV or the movies. So, when I woke up, I would roll over and try to snuggle up to him and quickly learned these things:

  1. What the hell does the woman do with her arm? Mine usually ended up smushed up against me. Nerves tingling then going numb. This did not seem sexy
  2. How can they even stand to talk to talk to each other, let alone kiss and make out? When you’re own breath smells like a cat used your mouth as a litter box while you were sleeping and his smells like he just ate pork anus
  3. I’m not sure if Movie stars have this problem but lying in the crook of his arm, I have discovered that men’s deodorant does not last 24 hours. The girls in the movies do not appear bothered by the myriad of odors emanating from his body, but I guess I am just sensitive to REALLY BAD SMELLS!
  4. He has assured me that my eyes’ sleep crusties are not nearly as hot as the movie stars’ eye make up that managed to stay in place all night. I tried putting some on once before going to sleep but in the morning he was horrified that he had somehow committed domestic violence in his sleep because of what appeared to be two black eyes.
  5. When two bodies are pressed together for even 30 min and you are not camping in the Arctic, you start to sweat a lot. You might think the idea of sweaty bodies is sensual but please refer back to what I said about body odors. Also it’s not. It’s sticky and gross.
  6. I think it’s through the magic of editing that we don’t see this part in the movies, but it seems to me, that men, first thing in the morning, need to fart…a lot. Not something you as a woman waking up want to be a part of. I suggest leaving him on his side of the bed til these fits pass. Snuggled up against him, you are risking not only smelling them but actually feeling them. Not erotic in any way.
  7. I use a lot of hair product and no matter how much I use to keep my hair in place, in the morning, I look like Don King. The tousled look you see on the movies is a work of a team of hairdressers working for hours to achieve it. Trust me, your hair will never look like this in the morning.


My point is that movies present a completely unrealistic view on relationships and I hate that. It took me years to realize this and learn that it’s ok to snuggle for 5-10 minutes before falling asleep and then staying on your own side for the rest of the night. I love my husband and he loves me but in the mornings, we’ve found what works for us is more of a “long-distance” love.