Proper Pooping in Public Places

OMG I HATE to poop anywhere but in the quiet privacy of my own home. I will do everything in my power to avoid pooping anywhere else. If I got dysentery in Ohio, I would try my hardest to get back home before letting loose! I have a sphincter of steel from years of this. That being said, I am sorry to say that even I have succumbed to the necessity of defecation in a public toilet. Here are my tips on proper pooping techniques when in public:

  1. Choose the stall farthest from the door. Many facilities have air fresheners near the door and movement in and out triggers them. Which means if you are far from the door, someone who comes in while you’re doing your business may walk through the chemically induced odor of wild flowers and not even notice your less than fresh emissions (so I prefer to believe) and no one wants to be hit in the face with stink the second they walk in the door.
  2. Stay as quiet as you can when others are in the bathroom. No grunts, sighs, or even feet shuffling. Hold it back if you can, wait til they leave then push it out like a 10 pound baby. This leads me to #3
  3. Go as fast as you can. This isn’t home. No checking your Facebook, no contemplating life’s great mysteries. Just poop and run.
  4. I personally recommend a curtesy flush as often as you can while pooping. But obviously not if people are in the bathroom. If they are, refer to tip #2
  5. Do not, whatever you do, exit the stall while anyone else is in the bathroom. There is no need for them to know who you are and what you did.
  6. Poo-pourri works and you should always have some on hand. The knowledge that you aren’t releasing offending odors into a small, enclosed public facility will help to relax you and allow for you to follow #3 with ease.
  7. When out with friends, Mexican food should be the last stop before home. No Taco Bell at the food court for lunch!
  8. It is perfectly ok to lie to friends about where you’re going when you need to go poop. You don’t want them following you into the bathroom and you don’t want them giving you a hard time when you come back 20 minutes later (“what took you so long? Were you pooping? Haha”) which reminds me; never admit to pooping.
  9. You must always know the best places for pooping when you are out and about. For instance, as a girl, I have discovered that Lowes, Home Depot and Tractor Supply are great places to poop because when women go to these stores, they go with a purpose. In and out. They don’t shop around. They aren’t there long enough to need to use the bathroom. So conversely, the places to avoid are Target, TJ Max and the like. Also, airport bathrooms or turnpike bathrooms that are so large and busy and noisy, that no one has time to notice what you’re doing.
  10. When I have to give in and poop somewhere public, and I can not hold it or follow any of the above rules because I went ahead and had that burrito in the food court, I prefer the sensory deprivation approach to avoid reality: I close my eyes tightly and plug my ears and just go. And like a child, I assume that if I can’t see or hear anyone, they can’t see or hear me either…..I considered carrying a nose plug as well but then I realized that I am a girl and a girls poop never smells!