Dear Crest Toothpaste

Dear Crest Toothpaste,

Are you aware that Fresh Mint, Cool Mint, Smooth Mint, and good old Regular Mint all taste like wintergreen? Why do you try to hide behind all these adjective heavy mint names? Did you know that there are other mint flavors? Could you call a spade a spade and just say “hey, this one tastes like shitty wintergreen too”. Listen, if I wanted a mouthful of nasty wintergreen flavor, I’d do a shot of Pepto Bismol each morning. At least Pepto doesn’t try to pull any fast ones on you. Pepto says “hey, yeah, so what, I taste like shit, I’ll probably make you gag trying to swallow me, and maybe I do look like Barbie’s hangover, but good luck finding anything else that will help you get past that Taco Bell you just had to eat at midnight last night. You’re down to your last pair of underwear, my friend, so let’s stop fooling ourselves. Take a big gulp of my thick, pink, wintergreen flavored nastiness and get some sleep. You gotta work tomorrow”

So, Crest, quit playing with me. If you insist on using wintergreen in every flavor, just say so. Because the fact is, I suspect you also contain some secret ingredient that makes me forget how much I hate you as I somehow keep buying you and gagging through another month of promises that I will never buy you again.