I’ve been married for 12 years, which in this day and age, is pretty much the equivalent of getting your masters in marriage (I’d say it takes 25 years to get your doctorate, but I’m just making shit up here, so you go with whatever degree you think you’ve earned, I’ll support it). And I have learned a lot, not only about my husband, but also about men and how they think. Every time in the history of our relationship that my husband did or said something egregious, I’d tell a friend about it and hear “Oh, yeah, mine does that too”. So please allow me to present to you my thesis in support of my Masters in Marriage degree. It is titled: The 10 Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say To His Wife
10. “Would you like some of my popcorn?” I used to agree to share a popcorn with my husband when we went to the movies. It was economical as there is usually a combo deal for couples. I have learned however, that when a man gets popcorn (or really any other snack) in his hands, he goes into a snack-trance much like I assume happens with sharks and blood. He is never giving that up, ever. He will sit, eyes glued to the screen, hand-to-mouth perpetual motion engaged until all that’s left is kernels. My advice, if you want popcorn, is: get your own bag right from the start.
9. “No thanks, I know just where to look for it”. You will never hear these words from your man’s mouth. Even if you erected neon flashing arrow signs throughout your house pointing at everything that belongs to him until your house looked like the Las Vegas strip, he will still call out “Honey, where’s my….”. Then you would say “follow the green flashing arrow, Sweetie” and then he will immediately respond with “I did but I still don’t see it” You will then put down whatever unimportant thing you were working on to walk over and pick up the missing item which will be directly under the point of the neon arrow. There is nothing you can do to escape this one.
8. “I washed clothes today and folded them and put them away!” Oh men; sweet, innocent, well-meaning men. You have to love them because once in a blue moon, they try to do something nice for you. But much like your 5 year old trying to make you breakfast in bed; it only ends up being a big mess you have to clean up. That is what happens when men try to “help” with the laundry. Unless I am directly supervising, I will end up with one basket piled high with clean but permanently wrinkled clothes, a load of more wrinkled clothes in the dryer and in two-three days when I notice an odd smell coming from the laundry room, a damp, musty load of clothes forgotten in the washer. Just put some kind of lock on the washer and make it clear that he must never try to help with this particular chore.
7. “If you’re going to the grocery store, here’s a list of some dinner ideas I came up with for this week” Ladies, this is a silly fantasy. When you ask for dinner ideas or grocery items they might want, you will get the “I don’t care, I’ll eat whatever” response. You will then purchase groceries and spend the rest of the week answering questions like “Didn’t you get any chips?” or “Do we have any hotdogs?” I have tried everything from sitting down beside him with a cookbook to dragging him along with me to sending him on his own and the end result is the same: I make a minimum of one trip a day to the grocery store to pick up whatever I “forgot” to get the first time.
6. “Do you think I’m overdressed” Hahahaha. I can’t even write this one with a straight face! Any time we are going “out” as in married date, I spend the entire day getting ready (hey, married dates do not happen that often, it’s like Prom for me, ok?). I do my nails, hair, make-up and have usually bought a new outfit as well. The perfume even comes out for this. When I feel like a million bucks, I glide out of the bathroom only to see my hubby standing there…in jeans…a tee shirt…and a ball cap. He may or may not comment on how I look, but most certainly will comment on THE look I am giving him. “What?” he’ll ask confused. “Is that what you’re wearing?” I’ll say. “We’re going out to dinner, not the prom.” He’ll retort and walk away. And that will be the end of it. At least he tucked the tee shirt in.
5. “I was thinking about buying _______, but I thought we should discuss it first” Now, this may seem a little confusing because if YOU are thinking about buying something, he will definitely want to discuss it. He will have to “think about it”, he will want to “maybe wait until the next pay” or he will plan “to buy it next year” but if HE wants to buy something, you will find out about it the day it is delivered to your house or just stumble across it in the garage when searching for a screwdriver. Remember in school when you had to learn the difference between wants and needs? Let me refresh your memory. When a MAN wants something, it is a need. When a WOMAN needs something, it is a want. (Also, anything the children ever needed or wanted will be placed in your “recent purchases” column of the marriage checks and balances)
4. “I was in the store for over an hour picking out that card for you” When I get a card from my husband (and it’s not as often as you’d think), I open it slowly, hoping that this time it will say something perfect, then a giant cartoon animal pops up with its arms out offering a hug for my special day and I die a little inside. Why don’t men understand how important cards are to us? Haven’t they noticed that the ones we give them always say the perfect thing? That kind of perfection takes time and stamina. You don’t leave Hallmark until you find that fucking card. I have gotten cards on my birthday that said “Thinking of you on your birthday”. Like ones an out of state grandma would send. His response to my obvious emotional pain was “but there was a dragonfly on the front, you love dragonflies” And this is when I realized that men pick out cards in the same way they look at women: if it’s pretty and colorful, they want it, doesn’t matter what’s on the inside.
3. “It’s my day off, so it’s my turn to do the chores” Nope and Nope. A man works hard, ladies. He works so hard and when he gets a day off, that is his one day to relax and do something for him! How can you be so selfish to think he should help around the house on his day off? (the sarcasm is oozing off those words, you can almost see it). There is no use getting mad; they try to tell you that you can do whatever you want on your day off, but you choose not to, it’s not their fault you choose to do things like dishes, groceries, homework with the kids, floors, windows, etc. “Great”, you might say, “Let’s hire a maid” but he’ll probably say “That’s something we’ll have to discuss, maybe we can look into it next year” and then he’ll go fishing.
2. “I love finding your earrings all around the house. Each time I find a pair, they make me think of you” Surprisingly, no. They seem to get annoyed at this. I admit that I take my earrings off and lay them down wherever I happen to be, but they won’t stay there forever! I’ll pick them up the next time I want to wear them. So what’s the big deal? You would think finding little reminders of their lovely wife would be sweet, but it’s not like that at all. I say at least you can’t trip over my earrings the way I trip over your shoes which also come off wherever you happen to be but I guess it’s just an unexplainable pet peeve. Men are so weird.
1. “Your driving tips really helped me navigate that city” When a man is driving and you are somewhere in the vehicle, any wrong turn, construction, or even the inability to find a place to park will be your fault. If you give helpful advice like “turn here” or “there’s a spot” it will always be a millisecond too late so WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING SOONER? If you keep quiet and let him work it all out himself it will be YOU COULD HELP ME! And if you start telling him to turn left at the next street then HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IN THAT LANE? DO YOU SEE ROOM FOR ME OVER THERE? They may even ask you if you want to drive. This is a trick question. There is no correct answer. I have no recommendations for this situation, I’d tell you to hire a driver but that would have to wait until next pay.
Thank you all for considering my thesis for my Masters in Marriage Degree. I am now prepared to defend it. Please submit all questions or comments in writing.