A Spork is a Spork, Of Course, Of Course and Nobody Eats With a Spork Of Course

…Unless, of course you’re at Taco Bell and that’s the only silverware they have and half the meat has fallen out of your Cheesey Gordita Crunch and you really want to eat it because you’ve been dying for some Taco Bell all day but then you use the spork and realize it’s a piece of shit that doesn’t do as good a job as either of its parental forms. The Chinese are laughing at us. They’re like “how do you even try to eat with one of these crazy things?” They ask for sporks when they go out with friends to American restaurants and then make fun of each other when they try to eat things like chicken and dumplings. Then they go home drunk and still manage to do better with their chopsticks and rice than we can do sober with the spork.  So, yeah, what the hell, Spork? Who’s dumb idea was it to try to combine a spoon and a fork anyways? Was it you, Taco Bell? Or you, KFC? It turns out (I actually looked it up), there are patents out there from the 1700s for a spork-type utensil. Some stupidity never goes out of style I guess. Let’s just first review the purpose of its progenitors:

  1. The spoon: The spoon is formed in a concave manner in order to scoop liquids or tiny pieces of food from a bowl or plate. It is built to hold these things in the scoopy part until you can get it to your mouth. Because a fork can’t stab tiny foods and it can’t hold liquids because they would spill out between the tines. The spoon is essential for this particular eating function.
  2. The fork: The fork is the aggressive eating apparatus. You spear the large food chunks with its many tines. Once impaled, your next bite is securely transferred from plate to mouth. Easy as pie! A spoon would not be good for eating the likes of steak! First of all, a spoon can’t even assist the knife in preparing a bite for you and even if it could, the bite would roll about all wibbly-wobbly on the spoon during the trip up to your oral cavity.

Well, then, what about chunky soups, you might ask. Isn’t the spork good for this? NO!! It is not and I’ll tell you why. Because on the spork, there are short squaty little projections for the fork part. Using a spork to do a fork’s job is akin to using a hedgehog to pick up mounds of hay instead of a pitchfork. Good luck with that! “Come on little Hedgy, we gotta get this here hay to the cows ‘fore they get ornery”. It doesn’t work! You can’t spear anything on a spork, in fact, I invite you to try to eat a steak with a spork, really, try it, and if you can make it work, send me pictures.

Perhaps you’re thinking you can use the spoon part to scoop up a saucy dish… maybe the flow of the sauce could help roll the chunky parts onto the spoon but then, as you try to enjoy your hearty meal, the liquid spills out the spaces between the dwarf spikes and you’re left with just the chunks and wondering why the hell you didn’t just use a fork in the first place….Oh, yeah, because you wanted to enjoy the sauce too…then you shouldn’t have used the spork , huh?

Here’s my brilliant solution to the spork problem. I get it, we’re lazy, we don’t want to have to pick up more than one feeding appliance at a sitting, so, let’s design a shallow spoon with a Hungry, Hungry Hippo head on top of it. You lay the spoon part on the plate or bowl, push the plunger; the head leaps forward and scrapes the food (both liquid and solid) into the spoon! Perfect! Maybe the head could have large teeth to chew through a piece of steak too. See, I’ve thought of everything. Taco Bell, if you’re reading this, drop me a line, we can work together on this.

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