Top 5 Reasons My Dogs are Assholes

My dogs are assholes. It’s true and I can say that today because today is not National Dog Day. Therefore, we can all go back to telling the truth about our 4-legged friends. Sure we love them, sure they are part of the family, so like any other member of the family; they can really piss us off and there are times when they are just jerks. Today, I present to you, the Top 5 Reasons My Dogs are Assholes:

5.) You can’t say one nice thing to them without them assuming you want their huge-ass Mastiff bodies all up on you. I say “Hey, Diesel, how ya doing?” and he’s leaping on me. This is not acceptable in any other area of my life, so it’s not cool here either. If I go to a bar, and say hi to some random guy, I surely wouldn’t want him to turn around and start grinding on me. It’s simply not done….unless you’re a douche like my dog.  Then, God forbid I show one any attention without the other, so while I am shoving Diesel’s 150 pound body off my lap, his sister, Lila is physically forcing herself in between us with all her might. Asshole move, Lila. Back off!

4.) My very large dogs apparently have the bladders of Chihuahuas. They are 1.5 years old and I still haven’t had a full night’s sleep. They get up 2-3 times a night wanting out. My husband and I nudge each other all night insisting it’s the other one’s turn.  There is no excuse for this. They just want to go out because they have ADD and they are self-centered dickheads.

3.) They chew up my shoes. Mine. My shoes. No one else’s. My kids and husband leave their shoes anywhere and everywhere but if I don’t take mine immediately to the vault at Fort Knox as soon as I get home, they will find them and they will chew them. Either my feet smell like rawhide or taste like fried chicken or something, because those two love the shit out of gnawing away at my foot-ware.

2.) My dogs grew up together and they are best buds. They do everything together. If one goes out the other wants to go out….but not until about 5-10 minutes later. They like to stagger it so that as soon as you sit back down and get comfy, the other will say “Ok, now I too would like to go outside” and if you try to ignore them or say “No! You should have went out when I offered” they start pawing at the sliding glass doors, with their big lion-sized paws. BANG! BANG! Then a screech as their nails slide down the glass. This will continue until you get up and let the inside dog out. It will then occur again in reverse a few minutes later. It’s great fun—a lot like banging your head against the wall.

1.) Somehow, my two canines have developed a knack for destroying electronic devices. We recently had a package delivered containing a hard drive and memory card. The package was left at the door, but we never found it until a week later when the company assured us they delivered it and we found the remnants of the package and what had once been in it chewed and strewn across the back yard (our back yard is woods, it’s not that easy to see this stuff). They confiscated our mail! That is a federal offense! The opened it, they decimated it. Those fucking assholes! And to add insult to injury, when I came home today to type this up, I found the screen on my laptop cracked and ruined. Turns out Diesel sat on it….Brainless. Ignorant. ASSHOLES! It’s like raising perpetual toddlers.

Tomorrow, I’ll get up and come to the kitchen for a glass of iced tea, Diesel will hear the ice dispenser and come running for his morning cube. Then of course Lila will want one too even though she doesn’t like them but if Diesel gets one, well then she damn well better too. And I’ll laugh at those two fools and forgive them again….and I’ll come home from work to find out which pair of shoes I have to replace and see if my TV remote still works without the bottom half.

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