A recent news story caught my attention because it occurred very near my hometown.
On Monday evening, a young man was ARRESTED in Unity Township, Pennsylvania for……waving around a rubber penis from the backseat of a car. 18 year old Skyler Conner was charged with disorderly conduct for this! From the picture it appears that he is simply holding it against the roof of the car. He is not hanging out the window, he is not screaming profanities at anyone. He is not driving and texting. What exactly was he doing that deserved an arrest?
Some have said that it was distracting to fellow motorists. You know what I find distracting? The giant “wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men” that some businesses choose to use to lure in customers. If this gargantuan, brightly colored, phallus with a face doesn’t distract you, then a flesh tone 8 inch dildo shouldn’t even warrant a second look. I’m sorry but those things are the stuff of nightmares. I can’t seem to look away. Who thought that an epileptic twerking red wiener would make me want to buy a car? I makes me want to grab my mace and blow on my rape whistle. But a nice, normal looking penis on the roof of a car? I’ll just drive home, have a glass of wine and put on some Barry White.
Ok, you say, but it’s just nasty and I shouldn’t have to look at it. That’s a valid point. But you know what I shouldn’t have to look at? Truck Nuts. Those damn things hanging and swinging away on a truck’s hitch makes me cringe. Why? I ask myself every time I see them. Is the driver trying to convince me of his über manliness? You know what they say about men who drive big trucks? That they are trying to compensate for something. So what about men who drive big trucks that have testes hanging from their back end? My guess is they have a “mangina”. They are beyond compensating for something, they’re just desperately trying to convince you that they are men in the first place. So really, that’s acceptable but a penis isn’t? At least Skyler’s car was anatomically correct! If I am gonna see it, I’d rather see the Twig as well as the Berries.
Bottom line is people drive around with all sorts of things hanging out the windows. Butts, Feet, hands playing airplane,cigarettes, dogs, topless women out of sunroofs, etc. Those things are all distracting. People eat and drive, text and drive, talk on the phone and drive. Girls in bikinis stand on the side of the road jumping up and down trying to sell car washes and men in banana suits dance around trying to sell you smoothies. All competing for some of your attention. So why not show a nice rubber dick the same quiet acceptance and leave a poor teenage boy just out having some fun alone. He isn’t hurting anyone. If women can expose their breasts in public proudly (and I have no problem with that. Whether you’re breast feeding or just happy to have brand new breasts and you’re showing them off) why can’t a young boy lift his symbolic phallus into the air in celebration of his manhood? Welcome to the land of mature adults, Skyler Conner, where we’re all prudes and can’t be comfortable with our own sexuality. I for one stand by you. Not behind you of course cause I don’t know what you might do with that thing but I support you and hope the charges get dropped. If we learn anything from your experience, I hope it makes us ask ourselves “What’s wrong with wieners, anyways”.
And that is how I leave you all this evening. Ponder that will you? What is so wrong with wieners?