I haven’t seen the movie Noah, but I have heard many people complaining that it isn’t true to the bible. But you know, that’s entertainment, so what’s the big deal? And along that line of thinking, I decided to take it upon my self to re-write the first part of Genesis, because well, I think it could have gone a completely different way….
God: So here we are. This is the garden I was telling you about. You are both free to do pretty much whatever you want. Oh, Adam, no heavy lifting for like 6 weeks, let that rib incision heal. Just one rule: No eating the fruit from that tree right there in the middle of the garden. That is the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. That is my tree. No touchy. Any questions?
Adam: Got it! No questions.
Eve: So, basically just no touching that tree? And we can’t eat the fruit on it either?
God: Correct. You can not eat the fruit or touch it, just don’t. Ok?
Eve: Yeah, yeah….it’s just, well, so why even put it there? I mean, if it’s yours and we aren’t allowed to even touch it, why is it there? Seems like maybe your testing us or something?
God: Look, I made all this, right? Like ALL of it. So technically, it’s all mine and I am letting you stay here, so really, one rule, that’s it. All I ask is you respect it. Now, off you go, I gotta get some rest.
Eve: So, what would you like to do today, Adam? I was thinking maybe a walk around the garden, check everything out? Plus, we should talk, get to know each other a little, don’t you think?
Adam: Wow, you’re kinda smothering me, we just met. I was thinking about a swim in that pool over there and then maybe a nap. But, you should totally go for a walk, and if you find some food or something, bring it back and we can eat it when I get up.
Eve: Oh…uh, sure. Ok, then maybe we can talk. I want to hear all about the animals you helped name, it sounds so fun!
Adam: (walking towards the pool) Sure, sure. Don’t forget to bring some food back, ok?
(Eve begins to walk into the garden towards the center. As she nears the big Tree of Knowledge, she slows to admire it.)
Serpent: (Slithering around the base of tree) Psst…Hey, Lady!
Eve: (Jumping in surprise) Oh! Oh Gosh! I almost stepped on you! I’m so sorry. Are you ok?
Serpent: Sure, hey, listen, what do you think of this tree? Awesome, right? I mean have you seen a tree as huge as this one? And what about this fruit, man it looks so good, I wish I had hands, I’d have me some of that juicy looking fruit right there.
Eve: No! God said no. He told us never to touch this tree. I don’t know what I am doing here right now. I shouldn’t even be looking at it. I just can’t help myself.
Serpent: I know, he said that….but I mean, why? Did you ask him that? Why not, doesn’t it seem reasonable to eat some fruit, gain some knowledge? Knowledge of both good and evil things? You gotta know what to look out for around here, right?
(Eve nods, contemplating)
Eve: (Sighing) But He’s been so good to us, and I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for him. I can’t break the only rule he gave us. I’m sorry, I gotta go.
(Eve runs away)
(Eve is out for a walk again, Adam is tagging along but is way behind)
Serpent: (Hanging from a branch of the Tree of Knowledge) Well, hello again! Reconsider?
Eve: What? Oh my gosh, I did it again, wondered right back to this tree.
Serpent: Because you want a piece of this fruit, and I think you should have a piece. Nothing too terrible is going to happen. I know this tree pretty well.
Eve: You do? So, what would happen if I did eat maybe just a bite of that fruit?
Serpent: That’s the thing, nothing really. You get presents, yeah, you win prizes actually.
Eve: Like what?
Serpent: Well, first you get a full length mirror and a Cosmo magazine. So you can compare your body to perfect angelic bodies, and see how you measure up, that’s called knowledge.
Eve: Well, it is kinda boring around here, a magazine might be nice. So, that’s it?
Serpent: Well, no, there’s other prizes too; those for instance (nodding his head to a box of tampons that have appeared on the ground)
Eve: Ooh, what are those?
Serpent: Those are like soft sticks that you’ll need after you eat this fruit. They, uh, well, they go into your vagina, but only when it’s bleeding.
Eve: IT BLEEDS?
Serpent: Well, if you eat the fruit, it will and it’s not like all the time, only once a month for a few days with minor cramping, really completely tolerable
(Eve looks at Adam)
Eve: If I eat this, he’ll want some too. Then would he bleed out of that thing of his?
Serpent: What? Hehehe, No, no, he won’t, just you. But he will have to find a job, you know work for a living. And that’s fine, really, he’ll get great jobs and make good money, like 20% more than you would doing the same job, so it’s like a gift for him too. You should definitely share it with him.
Eve: (furrowing her brow) Ok, so I eat the fruit, I get a mirror to see myself, a magazine to compare my body to other perfect bodies, and I get to bleed every month with some cramping and Adam has to get a job but it will pay well? (She takes a deep breath) That’s it then? Doesn’t seem too bad….
Serpent: That’s what I’m telling you! It’s not bad at all! Just, one more thing that I can think of, but it’s not bad either really.
Eve: Oh, one more thing then?
Serpent: Well, you want to have a baby, right? I mean the day you set foot on this earth, your biological clock started ticking, you’ll want a baby, no matter what, right?
Eve: Oh, yes!! I want to be a mother! So I get a baby, if I eat this fruit?
Serpent: Well, yeah, but Adam would have to plant the seed of the baby inside you and then you have to carry it inside you for…oh, I don’t know, like almost a year, and you know that’s not too bad, some nausea, vomiting, swollen ankles, heartburn, bleeding gums, painful breasts, sleeplessness, weight gain, stretch marks… you know, nothing major. Well, until you have to deliver the baby, which hurts…a lot, but you want to be a mother, right so it’s totally worth it and you’ll probably forget all about the excruciating pain, when you see your new baby. And, Eve, your babies; they’ll be strong boys. A farmer and a shepherd and so strong the only thing that could kill one would be the other one, probably. So, see totally worth it.
Eve: Wow! The pain sounds bad! Pain hurts. Like when I stubbed my toe on a rock? And this sounds really bad. (She turns to look at Adam, who happens to be writing his name on a huge rock with pee and laughing hysterically) And, he’ll have to put the baby in me, first, and I think my opening is bigger than that tiny one on the end of his, so my pain would be nothing compared to his, right?
Serpent: (Chuckling) Yeah, no. See the seed of the baby is so tiny you can’t even see it and putting it inside of you is actually quite pleasant for him. In fact once he does it, he’ll probably want to do it a lot! So, you get the pain. Not him.
Eve: Wait? So I get all this bad stuff, and he gets a job. That’s it? And pleasure putting the baby inside me. Do I get some pleasure from that at least?
Serpent: Maybe, if Adam puts some effort into it. The thing is, you guys weren’t wired exactly the same. You ought to ask God about that little mix up. Bottom line; for you to get much pleasure, it’ll take some extra work on his part. Well, what do you say, Eve? How about this sweet, juicy fruit? A bite for you, a bite for Adam and yes, all that bad stuff ok, BUT also, you’ll have gained so much knowledge! You’ll know everything that God knows! So what if he gets mad, you could probably leave and build your own planet! Go ahead, take a piece…There’s a big one right there (pointing again with his head)
(Eve reaches up, plucks the largest fruit off the tree, brings it to her face and smells it. It smells succulent and delicious. She looks at it once more….then she uses it to beat the shit out of the snake. Just pummels him until his head is mush. Finally, his death throes stop. She drops the bloody fruit to the ground and gives it a kick. She walks over to Adam and grabs his hand. )
Eve: Come on Adam, I need to teach you about wiring.