The 8 Things Your Ob/Gyn Wants You To Know

Today, my day job crossed paths with my blogging and here’s what happened: The 8 Things Your Ob/Gyn Wants You To Know

 

  1. Dirty Socks: Everyone cleans up before going to the Ob/Gyn, right? The thing is, we Ob/Gyns don’t actually get our noses all that close to the job, if you know what I mean. What we do end up smelling are dirty, stinky feet. One on either side of our heads. So, sure, shave it, vajazzle it, powder it or pierce it all you like, we simply ask that you put on clean socks before you hop up in the stirrups
  2. Mucus plugs: We don’t know who started the rumor that losing your mucus plug means imminent delivery….it doesn’t. In fact it means nothing. So no need to call an ambulance and more importantly, if you say you lost your mucus plug, we believe you, you don’t need to bring it in in a sandwich bag to prove it.
  3. Your Mom: Actually, just because your mom has a vagina too doesn’t mean she is an expert. And a lot of things have changed since she had you. We know she means well, but no baby has ever been hung by its cord because you lifted your arms above your head.
  4. Your Husband: Listen ladies, we get it, you have to go through this and he doesn’t so he should have to suffer in the exam room right along with you. But it’s not cool. Not for him who has no idea what he should be doing while a stranger prods his wife’s nether regions and we aren’t exactly into performing for an audience.
  5. Birth Plans: Great idea…in theory, but when you walk in with a birth plan in hand, you may as well sign your c-section consent right now and save time later. When you come in with very detailed and rigid expectations, nothing ever seems to go according to plan. We’d prefer that you just discuss your wishes with us and we can review with you what will and probably won’t work. Please don’t surprise us with a 10 page plan upon arrival in labor.
  6. Public Social Mores: We love to say hi and see your baby out and about when we run into you at the grocery store. But we honestly can’t remember details about your hooha without your chart in front of us. Someone once asked me if when I saw women, did I immediately think of what their vagina looked like. Fortunately, no. I do not. So unless there’s something really unique about your down under, it’s best if your personal questions wait til our next appointment rather than in the cereal aisle.
  7. Sex-related Injuries: We’ve heard every story in the book, trust us, so if you have a sex related injury and you tell us you fell and landed on a shampoo bottle or you were dancing vigorously at work and cut your vagina with the tape dispenser, we’ll know you’re lying. It’s no big deal to us if you like to get down and freaky, who doesn’t? And we’re happy to help with any mishap that occurs, just tell us the truth and save us the weirdness that comes when both people know a lie is being told.
  8. Cosmo: Not everything Cosmo tells you about your Lady Bits is true. Also, not every trick they tell you that you can do with your Lady Bits is true! I mean have you ever tried some of their sex advice? No one’s joints are that flexible and no one’s Tunnel of Love can contort that way either. Keep trying and we’ll be back to number 7.
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