The Petulant Market, A New Way to Shop: Stress-free and Minus The Jack-Asses

I am developing a new way to shop in grocery stores. These new shops will be as stress-free as possible. Because I, myself, simply cannot spend another day off fighting the ignorant masses in order to feed my family.

Welcome to The Petulant Market:

You’ll notice that here at TPM, we have widened the aisles a bit, and drawn yellow lines down the center. Much like a road system, you are required to stay in the right hand lane. You cannot park your cart in the left hand lane and peruse the right side shelves. That is unacceptable and you will be ticketed. There are no speed limits; there is, however a dress code: If any portion of your ass is visible, you will receive a warning, pull the pants up or you’re out. This means you too, girls. If your outfit is in any way reckless or disturbing, you will be escorted to Walmart where you can continue to wear your circus attire.

Some aisles also have a passing lane. These are the aisles where the elderly can frequently be found mulling over the complexities of canned butterbeans vs canned lima beans or the difference between Centrum Silver or Geritol Complete. Other aisles are equipped with an HOV lane where families with a multitude of sugar-high children will be expected to stay while they decide what frosted chocolate cereal would be the least likely to induce an ADD-type “episode”.

Anyone planning to use the store’s motorized mobility scooters will need to come in to the store in advance and successfully complete a driver’s test.

The meat section will be fitted with a Fast Pass system where you will be given a card with a return time. You will need to be present in the meat department at that time and will be given precisely 10 minutes to choose all the meats you need and then quickly vacate the premises. A similar system will be in place in the produce section as well. I suggest you get your fast pass as soon as you arrive, then spend the wait time shopping in the two and three lane aisles.

There is, of course, express check-out lanes where our fastest cashiers will be awaiting you. You may not write a check in this lane, you must know how to operate a credit card machine, and if you have more than 10 items, you will be charged the full amount of your order and your food will be confiscated and distributed to the math-literate who had to wait behind your ignorant and/or rude ass.

In all other lanes (all of which will be open), you will be required to place your food on the belt in a neat and orderly fashion and it will be bagged in a similar fashion. It is not the cashier’s job to divine that much later in your order there will be a second pint of ice cream that you wanted put in with the first pint that she bagged 20 minutes ago. To maintain a smooth and expedited flow through the check-out lanes, if an item is not in the system or is missing a price tag, it is free: our bad, sorry about that, please enjoy this complementary bath puff or nail polish or whatever it is.

Our cashiers are trained to only speak to you regarding the business of checking you out. Should you find your cashier malfunctioning and commenting on an item, asking you how good the item is, or opining on the quantity of a specific item you are purchasing, please notify management immediately.

I am sorry to inform you that there will be no self-check-out lanes as none of you seem to know how to properly work them and we simply do not have the time to keep running over there to show you how to scan one of your 50 items. We also apologize in advance that we do not accept coupons. Sorry, we were going to but then the psycho super-couponers had to ruin it for everyone. So if you want your entire cart of food for free, may we suggest the local food bank or dumpster diving.

When you return your cart to the corral attendant, we ask that you kindly remove all trash and personal items or you will not be refunded your cart deposit….Oh, yeah, there’s a cart rental deposit. So you don’t get lazy and leave your damn cart in a parking place or shoved up against some poor shopper’s car. You money is your motivation to avoid being a douche-bag.

Thank You and Come Again!

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