Everything I Learned About Love I Learned from Honey Boo Boo

If you follow pop-culture, you probably already know that Mama June and Sugar Bear from TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo show have announced they are splitting up. I know I was shocked. Those two have been through so much! After 10 years together and almost a year since their commitment ceremony, what went wrong? I no longer believe in love. Here is a morbidly obese woman with 4 children to four different men (3 of which she can name) and a man who to my knowledge has only fathered one child and has been with as many women as he has teeth (I am implying this number is quite low) who found love despite all odds. Yet, now, we hear that Sugar Bear has been on-line looking for a little something-something and Mama June is putting her fork-lift foot down. So, what can we learn from this tragic ending to a fairy tale romance? After reviewing their history as much as I have observed at least, I have come up with 5 ways to know your relationship is in trouble:

  1. When discussing how you met and fell in love; one of you says it was love at first sight and the other says it was supposed to be a one-time hook-up and at best was “bed at first sight”: You two are not on the same page, here. Especially if since the bed at first sight, that partner doesn’t seem to want to have sex anymore….sorry Buddy, you had one job that night and you did not impress. It’s like when you see a sad looking stray at the shelter and you decide to take it home. You snuggle and play with it for a day or so. It loves you, but you’re thinking “man this is a huge mistake, now I’m stuck with it” as you clean up another pile of shit.
  2. On your anniversary of the day you hooked up, he takes you out to a cafeteria style diner and gives you a gold deer statue when you wanted to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and were hoping for a scented candle. So, here’s the thing, yeah, kudos for remembering the anniversary but in doing so, he proved he doesn’t know the real you and so he is just projecting his wants on you. And now, that damn golden deer will be sitting on your porch for the rest of your days together.
  3. You both attend relationship counseling and you leave the counselors speechless. When people who are specifically trained to deal with couple issues have no idea where to even start, something may be broken beyond repair. He agreed to come along because he needs more physical intimacy (like more than twice a year) and you just want him to help around the house (the one that he lives in with your four kids, three of which are not his, all of which are out of control hellions). I’m not sure where the middle ground is here but I’m guessing it looks a lot like a vibrating bed set in the middle of a land mine.
  4. After your commitment ceremony, she decides to bring all the kids and your gay brother along on your honeymoon. I could be wrong, but it seems like perhaps she is avoiding something. I can’t quite put my finger on it….could be 7 people in an RV that takes away the romance, or maybe the fact that no one wants to use the shower in the RV or when the sewer tank gets full so no one can flush (wishing you had bought her that scented candle, now, aren’t ya?). Maybe it’s the zoo and the children’s museum and the candy store that lack the spark of romance. But you know what I think really seals the deal here; it’s the cute way she wrinkles up her nose in disgust when you rent a romantic hotel room for the night for just the two of us and she walks in to see you in a bubble bath with glasses of champagne.
  5. When only a couple months after you get back from your “familymoon” he shows up with an old beat up camper that he parks in your driveway and decides to spend all his free time there; something is wrong. His “Manper” is his retreat away from you and the kids. It’s an ugly-ass eye-sore and he only cares that it’s his and no one else is even allowed in it. He’s avoiding you already. Not good. Why should he come in the house anyways? You’re not putting out for your new commitment partner, and its loud and chaotic inside. May as well be alone and be happy.

So, if any of this sounds like you and your significant other, I suggest one of you starts putting out and the other one try to be more attentive to the wants and needs of your partner. Or else someone’s gonna end up on-line looking for a new hook-up and bed at first sight.