During a recent visit to Disney World without my children, I had a lot more time to focus on the goings on around me. I also learned a lot about people and how weird they are. The “People of Walmart” go on vacations too apparently and Disney World is certainly not just a place for children. In fact, I found myself frequently wondering if it was an appropriate place for children at all. So, to aid anyone considering a trip to DW, I have developed a list of Do’s and Don’ts (mostly don’ts). Hope this clears up any questions you may have.
- Footwear: Perhaps many people are not aware of this but Disney World is a sprawling network of parks and resorts. You will be walking…a lot…on pavement. So DO wear tennis shoes or comfortable walking sandals. DO NOT wear things like cheap flip flops or high heels. I mean no wedge sandals, no heeled dress shoes and seriously, girls, high heeled knee high boots? Fuck-Me boots at the Magic Kingdom? Ladies, who told you this would be a great place to pick up single men? There are four types of men you will find here: Daddies, Old men, Men who would want to borrow your boots to wear themselves and lastly men who would try to award you battle points for your “armor”. Lose the ridiculous shoes and be practical.
- Wardrobe: Which leads me directly into this aspect of DW: Its freaking hot! Hot and muggy. Hot and raining, Hot and sunny. Get it? Hot. Therefore DO NOT wear long sleeves. No sweaters, No sweatshirts. No costumes. Really grown-ups? You all really need to wear a costume to have a good time? No. Do your kids? Maybe, but perhaps having a back-up for when they are on the verge of heat stroke and miserable but you need to drag them through one more shop/ride/food stand, etc. Also, wives this one is just for you: Your husband doesn’t want to wear a matching Disney shirt with you. DON’T make your man do this. He hates it. Trust me. Goth chicks/dudes: it seems to me that when one is trying to portray a melancholy, emo, antisocial misfit, walking around the “happiest place on earth” seems, I don’t know, counter-productive? And lastly to the slutty girls: I know, I know I said it’s really hot so I should approve of your lack of clothing and I know you really want to show off that tattoo of Aladdin’s genie coming up out of your ass crack, it’s so cute and Disney friendly, right? No. It’s not. If I can see your vagina hanging out the side of your short shorts, so can all the impressionable little children.
- PDA: Disney is a magical place and when you are there without children, it can be quite romantic. Holding hands, giving each other a kiss here and there is very sweet. DO show your significant other some affection. DO NOT deep throat their tongue. DO NOT dry-hump them on a bench. DO NOT walk around with your hand gripping her ass or worse down her pants gripping her bare ass. Gross. I don’t want to see this. If I did, there are other places I would go and pay to see much more attractive people do these things.
- Lines: A lot of people go to Disney World, even in the off-season. This means there are a lot of lines. Lines to get into the parks, lines to ride the rides, lines to eat food. In the heat and the crowds, people lose their patience easily. DO NOT get into a line unless you are ready for whatever awaits you at the end of the line. If you don’t know what you want to eat, DON’T get in line. If your entire party isn’t with you and you simply can’t enter the park without them DON’T get in line and then stand at the front looking around or yelling for your party to get up there.
- Crowd Management: When you are in the midst of a large crowd that is moving in one direction, DON’T abruptly stop. DON’T try to shove your stroller perpendicular to the crowd with no notice and for God sakes, if you can’t drive your damn Rascal motorized scooter, DON’T try to maneuver it through the crowd. What exactly are you even doing there anyways? Oh, never mind, just learn to drive it please.
- Personal Tips: Here are some things I learned while in Disney World this visit that I didn’t realize and have no good heading to put them under: DON’T feed any of the birds that wonder about the parks. A “cast member” will show up out of nowhere and scold you. She will tell you that this teaches the birds to be aggressive towards guests who feed them. Our bird appeared to be grateful and charming but what do I know. Next, if you want to take pictures of yourself a lot, DO buy an attachment that looks like a pole that you can carry around all over the park and take all the selfies you want. Does it look ridiculous? Yep, but no more than your constant self-worship you post hourly on your preferred social media site. Best part about it is; you’re not stopping me to take your picture. So go for it. Lastly, and most top secret, If its night and close to closing time and you’re buying a wooden case for incense, DO ask the nice Moroccan guy running the register if you could conceivably keep your weed in it, because he just might surprise you and show you a secret compartment in the box where you could indeed keep your weed! Disney really is a magical place full of happiness and it will be even more so if you follow all my advice.