I Love You, But Not Enough to Eat Your Poop

Yesterday I tuned into a radio talk show in the middle of what I thought was a discussion on weight loss. But only a few minutes in, I realized they were actually discussing fecal transplants FOR weight loss. Yes, you read that correctly I said Fecal (as in poop) transplants (as in someone ELSE’S poop being put INTO your body). Turns out that while the idea of fecal transplants has been in the scientific literature as a means of treating people with terrible bowel infections or diseases, the idea of using the feces of a thin person to help an obese person lose weight is relatively new.

Last year, a scientist, Dr. Jeff Gordon (yep, like the race car driver) and his team researched fecal transplants for the use in the treatment of obesity. This involved human twins (one fat, one thin) and two lab mice. The humans’ feces was transplanted into the mice and they found that the fat twins poop turned the mouse fat, and the thin person’s poop kept the other mouse nice and svelte, curvy and sexy in a lab mouse sort of way even though they ate the same diet. Observers also noted the fat mouse giving the thin mouse the stink-eye as they both munched on their mouse chow and the thin mouse went on and on about how no matter what she ate she just could not gain any weight! Then, as if the poor fatty mouse hadn’t already suffered a huge injustice, the scientists put them in the same cage together where, as mice tend to do, they ate each other’s poop.  Then, when given the lean veggie pellets, the thin mouse’s poop bacteria overtook the fat mouse’s and the fat mouse got thin again. The fat mouse’s poop bacteria could not overtake the thin poop bacteria though so while Fatty Mouse was happy to finally be thin and healthy, she was still kinda pissed that Little Miss I-Just-Can’t-Gain-Weight stayed thin no matter what. The moral of this story and what brings us back to the radio show conversation is that it appears that transplanting feces from a thin person to the gut of an obese person may, with the right diet changes, aid in significant weight loss.

When I turned on the radio, a man was saying that he would certainly consider it if they could somehow make it into a powder and put it in a pill form. Then the host of the show wondered if you could at least pick the person you got the poop from. Which made me wonder, would that change anything?

Am I close enough to anyone to be ok with either swallowing their poop or having it shot up my butt in an enema form?

Do I love my husband enough to put his poop in my colon?

What about my kids? I mean, I’ve had all their body excretions on my body at least once in their lives. So, could I? Would I?

Do I want to be thin so desperately that I would bend over and receive a shit enema as long as said shit is “donated” by a loved one?

Who is that crazy? I mean, really, the lengths people go to just to lose weight! Inserting someone else’s poop into my body? No thanks. Besides, my tapeworm eggs should be here any day now.