I like to think of myself as a women’s rights advocate and I tend to side with women as often as I can. But there are times where I admit, I am ashamed to be a woman. This feeling is most likely to occur upon entering a women’s public restroom. Ladies, what the HELL are you doing in there? Listen, do not even start on men and their lack of ability to aim (which is totally true, guys come on!) because there have been occasions where, due to an emergency and once due to my own lack of attention, I have been in men’s restrooms and they don’t hold a candle to the disgusting filth you leave in your path. I am going to list for you the nasty, nasty things you do and teach your daughters to do that first of all do NOT save you from any germs and secondly cause the women’s room to look like a tsunami just hit a third world country.
- The “Hovering Ass”: “Don’t touch the seat, its dirty” I hear it all the time. Mom’s teaching their daughters to hover above the seat because you must save your sterile derriere from the agar plate that is the toilet seat. This error in thinking assumes that the toilet is the dirtiest thing in public bathroom (it isn’t) and that your daughter’s or your own back side is so pristine that it doesn’t have any germs of its own. News Flash: You all have dirty bottoms!
- When you do this, you pee on the seat, germs actually survive longer in wet environments like the faucets of the sinks you let your daughters play in for 15 minutes after hovering over the toilet (yeah, sinks are actually the filthiest things in the bathroom) so when I come in after you and your surgically clean gluteus maximus, I have to figure out how to avoid your little personal cesspool you’ve left for me on the seat. SIT DOWN! There has never been anyone who got an STD from a toilet seat. Germs (meaning both bacteria and viruses) cannot survive on smooth surfaces like a toilet seat. No one has ever gotten crabs from a toilet seat. They aren’t going to drop off a warm, bloody body for a cold, inanimate seat. So unless your dragging your vag along the seat itself (in which case, you deserve whatever you get because gross, why are you even doing that?) you are safe, I promise.
- The “I don’t do garbage”: Ok, so you agree, you’ll sit….but only if you can use one of those nifty seat covers. Fine with me, but if you dare to leave your ass-trash behind on the seat, I will pull out my rubber gloves, place it in an evidence bag, take it to the forensics lab, have DNA testing done, identify you, find your address, hunt you down, and choke you with it, I swear to God. You sat on it, you dispose of it, that’s the rules. Do not test me.
- “Satan Claus”: Flush the damn toilet. I don’t care where you came from. Maybe in your neck of the woods, you still walk out to the Ol’ Outhouse with your Sears N’ Roebuck Catalog and shit into a hole in the ground. But here, where we have the luxury of free access public toilets, you can flush the damn toilet. No one wants any of the gifts you just dropped off. It’s disgusting and I am not going to stand there in a small, enclosed space and flush the toilet for you while all your poo particles float into the air, my nostrils and lungs. Not to mention all that Shit Particulate that comes to rest on those toilet seat covers that the ladies in point #2 insist on sitting on to keep their fancy fannies clean (that’s actually pretty funny but still, they’ll be there no matter who flushes). So, just flush it. I don’t care if you peed, pooped or changed your tampon, if you left a gift of any color in the toilet; you better flush it, because if I have to collect YOUR DNA, you don’t even want to know what I will do when I find you.
- The “Not as fresh as a Summer’s Eve”: There is no reason whatsoever that I should be able to smell you long after you’ve left the facility. If I can smell AND diagnose you, then you and everyone around you can too and there is no excuse for letting that continue. If your lady parts smell like the morgue after they’ve brought in a week-old but recently discovered drowned body, you have to know that’s not normal! Please don’t go out in public like that, and certainly not where you’re exposing your Swamp-Hole to the air. I can assure you there are medications available to treat whatever it is you’re growing down there. Call me, I can help, but stay out of the lady’s room.
So, to recap, treat the restroom like you are using your best friend’s bathroom. Respect it, Don’t let them know what a slob you can be. Flush the toilet (you can use your foot, sure), WASH YOUR HANDS for 20-30 seconds at least with soap and warm water, use a paper towel to turn off the faucet and your elbow to open the door. There! All done. The restroom is clean to use for the next woman, you are as germ free as you were when you walked in, and we can redeem our reputation as the cleaner of the two genders. Then we can go back to complaining about the pee on the seats and/or leaving the seat up.