I Judge a Book By Its Cover…It’s BACK Cover

I do, actually judge a book by its cover. At least when I am looking for a new book to read. Of course if I get recommendations from friends with similar tastes, then who cares, right? But if I am wondering around the book store just exploring, the first thing I do is scan the shelves in the genre section I am in the mood for (most commonly fiction/literature) as I did today.  Anyone who says the cover doesn’t matter is a big fat liar! Because that is what catches my attention in the first place, then I read the title, and if both meet my approval the next step in the process is to turn it around and check out the backside.

Many of you reading this right now are thinking that I am using books as an analogy to dating. Makes sense, right? I mean let’s all be honest with ourselves. We do indeed use looks as the first screen when looking for a partner. If we don’t find their looks attractive, we’ll pass them by. Then if they catch our eye, we might ask their name. What if it’s something like Homer or Bertha? I mean, those are tough names to shout out during sex. So, he has a sexy look and a sexy name next step, check out the backside? …… Wait, Really?

Back to the book, yeah, really. I am actually talking about books because 1. I am a nerd and 2. I’m married so what the hell do I know about dating? There are two possibilities for the back side of a book; either you will find a synopsis of the book itself giving you an overview of what’s inside, letting you decide if you want to know more or if you’re just not into what this book has to offer OR (and here is the worst thing ever) it has a collection of praises written by other people about this book or even just about  the author themselves, telling you nothing about the book. I FUCKING HATE THIS. If a book I think I might like, wastes my time with braggety nonsense on the back cover then down it goes never to be considered again. Much like a man (or woman for those of you who think I am sexist), if all our conversation is just you telling me how wonderful/exciting/thrilling/unexpected you are without any sense of what you’re all about, then you know what? Thanks for the free drink, Loser now get lost and take your skinny jeans and hipster glasses with you.   God I cannot stand it. What the hell am I supposed to do? Who the hell do you think I am, book people? Do you think I am so stupid that I would read a quote by some nameless journalist for some big city newspaper who says this novel is a tour-de-force thriller unlike any on the market today? What does that even mean? Is this some mob-crime story? Is there a serial killer? Is there gonna be some dopey, needy female lead or a strong leading lady that takes no shit? I need to know and if you don’t tell me, you don’t get my money! Let me see your book booty and twerk it a little, make me want you, Novel with a cool title and cover pic. Say something that makes me what to take you to bed with a glass of wine and then stay up with you all night long. Make me want to tell my friends about you. Don’t tell me, SHOW me what you got.

So, do I judge a book by it’s cover, yes I do. Does the backside make or break it? Yeah, it does. Can those of you who don’t read books use this as  dating analogy advice? Sure. So whether you grab a book or a body, flip that thing around and get to know it by it’s backside. If that body/book’s a J. Lo, take it home to bed, if it’s a Calista Flockhart, put that nasty thing back and find something with some junk in the trunk.


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