What kind of Pooper are You?

This morning, as many Monday mornings, I had to pee as soon as I got to work. I drive 1.5 hours to get here and drink a smoothie everyday so it’s pretty routine. On Mondays, I start my day in a different building than any other day of the week. It’s mostly office buildings and meeting rooms. I have noticed that someone uses this bathroom every Monday morning (possibly other mornings as well, I am not there to investigate) to poop. This got me thinking and I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 kinds of poopers in this world.

The first kind are what I have called “The Naturalists”. The naturalists believe that everybody poops and everybody’s poop stinks. So what’s the big deal they think. When a Naturalist needs to poop, he or she does so. It doesn’t matter if they are at home and their spouse happens to be in the shower, or at work, at a friend’s party, or on a date. “When you gotta go, you gotta go” they say. They never suffer from fecal anxiety. They don’t care what people think of them. I envy these poopers. Wouldn’t it be great to just cop a squat and let it go? (I know you just started singing that damn song. Good, from now on, every time you drop trou, you’ll be singing the sound track to Frozen). Basically, the Naturalists have the healthiest colons and normal resting sphincter tone.

Next are the Scaredy-poopers. That’s the category I fall into. We don’t want anyone to know that we, in fact, poop. If we have to, we’ll hold it for days, make crazy excuses to get alone time, and have been known to drive out of our way to get to a secluded bathroom. I, myself, have driven home in the middle of an otherwise fun day out to poop. Only in desperation will Scaredy-poopers give in to the stall of a public potty. We know where all our friends keep their air fresheners and toilet cleansing brushes because we will clean your toilet and spray air freshener to remove any traces of our excremental failure. I’m not convinced you have a good grasp of the kind of secret lives we lead. Let me tell you a true story. There once was a medical student who shall remain nameless. She met her future husband in med school and frequently studied at his apartment, sometimes so late that she would just stay over. Study marathons were only broken by visits to Taco Bell. This then led to my, I mean, the Medical Student’s urgent need to use a toilet. But she was a Scaredy-pooper and she did not want her crush to know that her GI system turned food into waste which was subsequently expelled via her rectum. She preferred that he thought of her as a sort of reverse vampire: Not so much one that never eats actual food but one that never poops. So, she trained her sphincter until it could snap shut and stay that way much like a snapping turtle or bear trap (Keep away, it says, or I’ll break your fingers off). So, late at night, when her crush was fast asleep, she would sneak to the upstairs bathroom he never used, run the water in the tub (just in case he did wake up and wonder what the hell she was doing in there for so long. “Oh, you know, what girl doesn’t love a bubble bath at 2 am?) and poop. Now, he did not use this bathroom, so she would have to sneak the toilet brush up there as well as some Lysol, then put everything away again as if nothing strange ever happened in there before returning to bed. Yep. Sad but true.

Last and most foul are the On-The-Clock poopers. These strange people choose to poop at work. They don’t poop in the mornings, in the comfort and privacy of their own home, they save it for work! Everyday they’re stinkin’ it up for the rest of us! Why? Is the cost of toilet paper and basic bathroom upkeep out of your price range that you need to save it until you get to work? Do you like the feel of fine grain sand paper on your anus? Is it fun to scrub poop from under your nails after your fingers bust through the cheap-ass (pardon the pun) toilet paper most employers buy? Someone tell me, Please! When you do this every day, someone is bound to notice and you become labeled as the office pooper. Did you know this OTC poopers? Did you know they all talk about you when you’re in there leaving a contribution? You’ve seen and read the passive aggressive notes your co-workers leave about pooping at work, right? They know it’s you. How can you live with yourself? Walking out of the restroom, knowing full well those brown skid marks will stay in the bottom of that toilet until housekeeping comes along or enough brave souls venture in after you and flush and flush and flush until the last remnants of your sins against mankind are washed away, like the hands of Pontius Pilate. Just because a toilet is there does not mean you need to use it in every way possible. Just stop it. Use it if you must; we’ve all eaten that wet burrito in the cafeteria, we understand. But start working on your anal kegals and just hold it until you get home or alternatively, why not drop the kids off at the pool BEFORE coming to work? You have indoor plumbing, right?

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