Ramsay’s REAL Kitchen Nightmare: The Gaia Feast

Prompt Day #26: Describe a seven course meal that gets increasingly disgusting with each new entrée.

 I had a lot of fun with this one. Bouncing ideas off my husband and father in law: both Chef’s. They basically got sick listening to me and said I was a sick individual. I think it may have actually physically hurt them to hear me butchering fine dining. But I love my creation! I don’t know if meets the requirements of the prompt (getting increasingly disgusting) but I think each course stands along as a vomit-inducing nightmare meal. Bon Appetite!

Ramsay’s REAL Kitchen Nightmare

The Gaia Feast

 

Welcome to Nightmare Kitchen. Tonight, we are pleased to offer the worst dishes from all regions of the world. Let me go over the menu with you. We have a little joke here at Nightmare Kitchen: Chef makes everything from Old Scratch, mwhaha. Our Gaia Feast is a seven course meal. Beginning with our appetizer course, here we are highlighting the “Gardens of the Midwest”

Course 1: Garden Slug Bruschetta. We have some lovely molded crostinis arranged around our bowl of garden slugs. Chef suggests you place several slugs onto your crostini and allow them to “spread themselves”. Once they have sufficiently covered your toast, place a pinch of salt to stop their migrations and enjoy. The salt will bring out the earthiness of the slugs and bread mold, while the slug jelly itself soaks into the toast giving it a cold, soggy mouth feel. Very nice.

From there, we move onto our soup course and we are just so excited to share this with you. In this course we are showcasing the “Barn Yard” where much of America’s meals begin.

Course 2: Soured Chicken Crop Chowder with Cow Cud Croutons and Shaved Barn-Rat’s Milk Cheese garnish. This is such a difficult thing to come by. To do this first we force feed our chickens whatever garbage slop we can find. We then place a tourniquet just under the crop to keep it from emptying (We assure you; the chicken’s don’t mind at all. It’s quite a pleasant experience for them). This allows the crop contents to sour and develop an active yeast culture which aids to thicken the chowder. The Cow Cud Croutons are harvested after no less than three regurgitations and sun dried on the cow’s own patties. The rat’s milk cheese is a delicacy you will not find anywhere else on the planet I’m sure as the rats are caught and milked by the hands of small children in Indonesia. The milk is then aged in the butchered rat’s own bladder until firm.

For our fish course, we travel to the “Waters of the Gulf of Mexico.” We wanted the authentic taste of the Ocean intermingled with the taste of human interference. The freshest place for a mixture like that can only come from waters still teeming with oil. This dish features a pasta our chef makes in an unusual way. We hope you appreciate it.

Course 3: Hagfish Slime Gnocchi tossed in Blackened Ocean Foam, with sundried beach fish and roasted sand fleas. Our chef strips the copious slime from the hagfish and mixes it with flour and beach sand to make a gritty gnocchi which he tosses in an oil-blackened sea foam skimmed off the beach after a particularly blustery day. While skimming the foam, he harvests any dead, washed up ocean fish that have been drying in the sun (all flies are immediately brushed off and maggots removed). Digging for sand fleas takes much time and effort but when you crunch into a roasted exoskeleton, you’ll appreciate the time put into such a feast. You will also be offered a grating of dried sea star to top your pasta.

We are so very happy to tell you about our palate cleansing course. This course is always changing based on what our chef can forage in the city. This is our “Inner City of America” regional palate cleanser.

Course 4: Inner City Gutter Tribute Sorbet. Now as I said, this course changes depending on the find but we are so happy to announce that there has been a baby boom in our chosen inner city and we hit the loaded-diaper-lying-in-the-gutter jackpot. Chef doesn’t always find a diaper with both urine and feces in it but when he does; he never passes up the opportunity to scrape out the marinated silica gel to use as a base for the sorbet. Don’t worry, urine is sterile. And a baby’s diet consists mainly of milk for the first year and then often, strained and lightly flavored purees. This then gives the excrement a smooth, milky texture akin to a veal pudding. Please enjoy.

And now we come to the main course. Again, our chef has outdone himself. In this course, we are highlighting the “Forests of North America”

   Course 5: Braised Buck-Shot Venison with Abscess Jus. Late Season Musted Acorn and Rabbit Pellet Relish, Crisped Gypsy Moth Larvae Garnish. The true meaning of foraging is walking the forests and gathering food. Our chef stumbled upon a deer which had succumbed to a terrible buckshot wound that had festered and abscessed eventually killing the beast. This sight fired his culinary creativity and our main course was developed. You’ll find it presented on a bed of wet, brown leaves. As this was late November, he noted many acorns lying about, most beginning to rot. During the initial stages of rot, acorns develop a fine must of fungal spores which give off the flavor of a rotted mushroom (very earthy). Another deep earthy, grassy flavor can be found in the droppings of rabbits and since the tastes complement each other so nicely; Chef has put the two together in a relish to top your braised venison. Topping the relish is the Abscess Jus which was hand squeezed from the leg wound of the deer. The yellow color adds to the Autumnal feel of the dish. The gypsy moth larvae were harvested mid-summer and fried to crisps which can then be sprinkled on top to add a crunchy textured garnish. Now, please; savor the tastes of the forest.

For our cold dish we take you to your own back yard pond or creek where Chef uses common backyard animals in some unique and quite uncommon ways. Enjoy our “Backyard Pond” course

Course 6: Chilled Muskrat Brain Pate with Bullfrog Caviar Garnish, Leech Crisps, and Skunk Cabbage Crudité. This a must-try course. Pate and Caviar is usually reserved for only the most up-scale diners. Here is your chance to eat well above your pay scale. The muskrats’ skulls are gently cracked open using a pond stone and the brains are then scrambled and chilled in the top half of the skull forming the serving bowl. The leeches are picked off the legs of the workers who wade in the pond to gather the frog spawn for the garnish and are then pounded flat with the same rock used on the rats. The leeches are then deep fried and used to scoop the pate and caviar. You can also use the Skunk Cabbage Crudités to dip in your pate if you aren’t fond of leeches.

 

We end our feast by paying homage to our Earth’s vanishing rainforests with this exotic dessert.

Course 7: Aye Aye Picked Tree Grub “Rice” Pudding with Rotted Ground Fruit Compote A Flambé & Dusted with Monkey Fur Pickings. Are we so far removed from our simian ancestors that we can’t enjoy a dessert as they would? We here at Nightmare Kitchen certainly hope not. After years of hard work and finally a well-fitting muzzle, we have trained an Aye Aye (yes that monkey-looking thing with the one monstrously long thin finger) to pick large tree grubs out of the jungle trees. Using them in place of rice, our chef makes a fine custard from the eggs of Toucans. While in the jungle, we gather fruit off the ground. Blackened ground fruit, while rotting, goes through a fermentation process which allows the flambé without the addition of bottled alcohol. Lastly, our sous chefs have spent many hours living with monkeys in the wild, eventually being accepted as one of the pack. That allows them to participate in the grooming processes. They, of course, abstain from eating any lice, ticks, bugs or skin flakes picked off the monkeys’ backs in order to bring it all back to garnish your dessert. We are proud of our dedicated staff here at Nightmare Kitchen and proud of this feast you are about to enjoy—whether you like it or not.

 

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