Screw This Cruise

Prompt Day #30: Script a conversation with your evil twin

This writing is semi-autobiographical. I am having a love-hate relationship with this cruise. I love the sight-seeing and the ease of travel. I am hating being “trapped” on board with many people who have no idea how to behave in public. This one wasn’t hard because I think we all have inner evil twins who would love to be let loose once in awhile. I simply scripted my inner thoughts. Forgive me and know that while I do have some malicious inner demons, I still have control over them…..for now anyways. 🙂


Screw This Cruise


Em (Evil Me): Hey, what were you thinking going on this stupid cruise anyways?

Me: Listen, you know Keegan wanted to do it, and it’s really not that bad.

Em: Are you kidding me? These people are numbskulls. We need to thin the heard, my friend. The next person that tries to shove themselves on the elevator when we’ve clearly been waiting first, I say we shove them off and hit the ‘close door’ button.

Me: While I agree that is not very nice elevator etiquette, I think that seems a little extreme

Em: Ok, but I know you hate the breakfast buffet, remember that old man who shoved himself in front of you just to get a hamburger bun and then gave you dirty looks? What if, the next time that happens, we grab the whole pan of hamburgers off the heater and smash it onto their face. They want their food that fast; we give it to ‘em along with a couple good third degree burns.

Me: I think we’d get kicked off the boat.

Em: How about pushing a few elderly down the stairs? Or all those bratty kids with no adult supervision? Can we push them down a few flights? Nothing that would kill them, maybe a just a few broken bones, you know, teach ‘em a lesson?

Me: Oh, Man. While I admit there are times I’d really like to do that, I kinda still feel it’s wrong in some way.

Em: Ok, Ok. I know you feel me on that one nasty lady who threw the big fit because her Starbucks cup had an S for Skim instead of an NF for Nonfat and she acted like it was a personal affront to her?

Me: Listen Em, I’d have loved to dump that scalding hot NONFAT latte all over her pinchy, scwinchy face, but again, we are civilized human beings and we must adhere to basic human ethics.

Em: Well, maybe you do, but not me…I am an evil twin, after all, no one expects me to be good.

Me: That’s true. But here’s the other issue: you are my twin, so people will think I did all these rotten things.

Em: Who cares, like you are ever gonna see these fools again. You know what I’m wondering; how do people with no social skills whatsoever, manage to make enough money to go on a cruise to Alaska anyways? If we knock a few overboard, I say we’re doing the whole world a favor, don’t you?

Me: Let me think about it.

Em: And what about the whole cruise line itself? I mean, every damn activity is extra money above and beyond what you already spent, and it’s actually pretty shitty, isn’t it? How about that advertisement cleverly disguised as a massage you had today? You remember, they through some cold oil on your back, rubbed it around and then told you they could sell you some creams to help the ugly bags under your eyes! Come On! Didn’t you want to burn the place down?

Me: Yeah, that did piss me off. By far THE WORST massage I have ever had. And I do kinda want to ride in one of those cool looking life boats. They look like the yellow submarine from that Beatles song. I could pull a whole Titanic trick and release my boat with only me and my family in it and the rest are on their own: Hasta La Vista, Baby!

Em: See, we aren’t all that different after all. You know what else, while we are bitching, let’s ask ourselves this: Why do people who have no interest in actually supervising their children bring them with them and then turn the little hellions loose on the rest of us? There are a lot of very large ocean fish who would really enjoy human veal, don’t you think? They’re scrawny; we can easily toss them overboard.

Me: Oh my God, why am I even listening to you? No! We can’t. It’s not right. No matter how awful their children are.

Em: Ok, then, how about people who don’t understand the concept of: 1. Elevator doors open, 2. People who want to exit elevator do so, 3. People who want to step onto elevator then proceed only after the former people have exited? Is that so hard? You played powder puff football; you know how to run their asses down if they try getting on when you are trying to get off. And if they stand there like a zombie and you get on, then you pin them against the wall and say “Now you’re going where I want to go, bitch.” How about that? Can we please just do that at least?

Me: Ok, I am starting to see things your way. I am in on terrorizing all adults who have no idea how to behave as such. I am in on holding adults responsible for their children and if the behavior does not change after adults have been tossed overboard, then the kids are now chum. And anyone butting in on my breakfast line is getting a hot cake to the face! Let’s get ‘em!!

Em: Haha! Yes, we truly are sisters. Let’s take this ship!