Prompt Day #40: Steal an offbeat character name from a piece of spam e-mail. Now put that imaginary person through hell.
Ok, so I know that the name Ronald Harris is not that offbeat BUT, when looking in my junk mail box, I saw his name and decided to open it to read the message. It is the message that is offbeat and hilarious. I will transcribe it word for word. (Please note, I have no idea what profile he is referring to other than FB or About Me on my blog. Also, I no longer reside close to him personally): “Hey there Joela, I witnessed your user profile and I know you reside close to me personally at National city. I might to satisfy you if you’re interested simply by me?”
Camping with Ronald
“So, how did the camping trip with Ronny-boy go?” Chad asked. I’d been dying to tell the story since I got to work today. At the same time, I was pissed at all of them for dumping him on me. Ronald Harris was the office nerd. He never got the jokes but laughed anyways. He spent his weekends playing Dungeons and Dragons in his basement. And somehow, recently, he managed to get engaged. He considered us all his friends and wanted to throw himself a bachelor party that would include us. (His real friends were planning a weekend long D&D tourney) So, he planned a camping trip because he knew we enjoyed the outdoors.
“Eh, not much to tell, really. A few mishaps here and there.” I said smirking just enough to hook them.
“Come on, Man, Spill it. I’m sorry I had to bail.” Chad continued.
“You all had to bail. And yeah, the whole trip was a fucking disaster, you should have been there.” I said. We all agreed to go immediately. The idea of watching the world’s biggest geek attempt to rough it was too good to pass up. But as the weekend neared, Chad made some lame excuse about putting in a flower garden with his wife. Scott was next to go with the sorry, but these game tickets just sorta fell in my lap and I can’t let ‘em go to waste. That left me and Ronald, and I could not think of a reason good enough to cancel the man’s whole bachelor weekend.
“Hey, what did I miss?” Scott said, walking over. He peeked back to see if Ronald was at his desk. “How did old Ronny-boy do at the rustic bachelor party? Come on, man, before he gets here.”
“He ain’t comin’ in today, Dumbass. His wedding is next week. We got all day. Come on, Jack, how was it?” Chad egged me on. I couldn’t hold it in; I busted out laughing.
“Oh my God, where to start. Well, you know the day we left, it started pouring, I get to his house and there he is, soaking wet, loading all this brand spanking new gear into the car. You could tell he knew nothing about any of it. He just went to Gander Mountain and bought out the whole camping section. So his car was packed, we barely had room for my stuff. So, we pull out and head down the road. He puts in, I shit you not, a road trip playlist!” I paused, letting it all sink in. They nodded, but clearly needed more than that. “So, of course we’re like fifteen miles in and he gets a damn flat tire, we pull over and I teach him how to change a tire in the pouring rain. Now we’re both soaked and the car is hot and muggy with 100% humidity. So, we get to the camp site. And he picked the most primitive of primitive sites. Nice campground but we were out there, man, no body near us. Of course, now the sun comes out and it’s hotter than the car with 200% humidity! I mean, it is raging hot. There are bugs everywhere. I put the DEET on but Ronny refused telling me that DEET is bad for you and the environment and all that, so he smears on some herbal shit, he smelled like one of them spice places Debbie likes to drag me to up north. Anyways, by the time we get the tent up, Ronny’s been bit so many times it ain’t even funny. I tell him we better get a fire going, the smoke will help with all the bugs. He pulls out his fire starting kit. The dude did not bring matches or a lighter! He bought a fire starting kit! With flint and cotton balls. Like how the fuck is that gonna work in the wet woods? So, I sit there watching him try for like an hour and finally I say we should go buy some wood and matches and he agrees. But he tells me in the car that his D&D group, they are going to this ‘LARP’ weekend thing—Live Action Role Play—where they will be camping and he wants to do all this himself, cause he doesn’t want to look stupid in front of his new wife! Man that is where they are going for their honeymoon! Can you believe that shit?
Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah, so we get back and he gets out, decides to carry some stuff into the tent since he is going that way anyhow, he goes in the tent, back out, and then into his car again to get his matches that he left on the dash. He was working on the fire while I carried my stuff into the tent, you know? So I get in the tent and man it reeks like dog shit in there! I look around and there is a big shoe shaped brown spot on his sleeping bag, man! The guy must’ve stepping in shit and tracked it into the tent, on his sleeping bag and when I go out to tell him, I see him coming back from the car after getting his matches. He holds them up smiling and shakes them at me. I walk over to the car and yep, big smear of shit on the driver’s side floor. I say Hey, Ronald; I think you stepped in some shit. There’s shit everywhere. It’s on your sleeping bag and in your car, Man. You need to wipe your shoes off in the grass. So he lifts his feet up and sure enough there is the biggest wad of shit on his shoe, so he starts freaking out and he grabs up a stick and starts scraping it off his shoe. When I get up to him, I see the stick he grabbed up was the hot dog stick! Ha-ha” I had tears streaming down my face at this point. The guys were guffawing imagining skinny little Ronald scraping the shit off his shoe with his hot dog stick.
“So, not to be defeated, he announces that he will go into the woods and get a couple new sticks and whittle us new hot dog sticks.”
“No way! He’s gonna whittle sticks now?” Scott said and then he does a line from Son in Law “Can I please whittle wood with you?” and laughs.
“Yep. So off he goes. I sit down and open a beer and wait. I hadn’t even finished half my beer when he comes running out of the woods screaming and thrashing his arms everywhere yelling BEES! Oh My God, the guy must’ve got stung fifteen/twenty times. Man, I tried to help him strip down naked but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t do anything. So, we get him all covered in calamine and redressed and he sits down and whittles us up these sticks. He hands me mine and he takes his, sticks a hot dog on it and starts roasting it. I said I would get his bun and condiments out cause he forgot to do that, I think he was so excited to just get to the good part of camping, you know? So I get his bun out and put some ketchup and mustard on it. I’m standing there holding it for him and I’ll be damned if the whole stick doesn’t break in two and the dog falls right into the fire. There’s Ronny standing there with this shocked look on his face and a broken twig in his hand.” Now the guys were slapping their hands on my desk and shoving each other around laughing like a couple drunks. The boss poked his head out of his office and yelled at us. We quieted down.
“So, at this point, I say Listen, Ronald, how about we just run into town and buy some cold cuts and buns and whatnot, come back and make up some subs. It’s no big deal if we can’t roast a dog. He agrees and we get back in time to eat, drink a couple beers and hit the sack.
I fall asleep like right away, I was beat just trying to keep up with the guy. But Ronny, man, I don’t think he liked the sounds out the great outdoors. He said he couldn’t sleep too well. Finally, probably had to be around two in the morning, I hear him yell Hey! Hey! Get out of there! And before I could stop him, he was out of the tent.”
“Oh, Shit, tell me it wasn’t a bear.” Chad said, half concerned, half amused
“Nah, Ronny ain’t that stupid. It was ‘coons, most likely.” Scott said
“Yeah, I figured ‘coons too. And the ‘coons had definitely been there, cause everything was strewn out all over the camp site, but what Ronny thought was a raccoon, was a skunk.”
“NO!” They yelled in unison before literally falling to the floor in hysterics.
“Oh yes. And it got him good. Him and the tent before it took off. Man did he stink! I sent him down to the creek to wash, hoping we’d at least get a little of the smell off of him. I pulled the tent over to the fire pit and lit it. I burnt all of it, there was no saving anything. God, it reeked, way worse than the dog shit. Well, anyways, Ronny comes back from his early morning creek bath and dries himself in front of the bon fire I made with all our camping supplies. All he has in his car to put on….is a cape! A cape from his costume for his honeymoon! So here he is, standing completely naked except for the cape in front of the fire trying to figure out what to do. Because he still stunk royally.” I really wanted to finish the story, but I could barely breathe and my face hurt from all the laughing. I’d been waiting all weekend to tell this story.
So, we sit there until six and Ronny says he doesn’t want to get in his car, because it will stink it up and he needs it for his honeymoon. So he is gonna call a cab. He wraps the cape around himself and walks up to the road until he can get a signal on his cell. So, we’re standing there waiting for the cab. He pulls up and Ronny opens the door. The cabby gets a whiff of him and turns around to really look at him and says Oh no, no. you cannot be in my cab. You smell sir and you must have clothes on to ride in this cab. And he drives away!” I’m sure my lousy Indian accent certainly added to the comedy but the guys were holding their stomachs and crying now. The boss had come out to see what the commotion was about, but he didn’t stop me, just listened in and started laughing too.
“So, he decides he has no choice but to call his fiancée, Meghan. And I am stoked because finally seeing this girl would be the icing on the cake.”
“Wait, you saw Meghan? Like she is real? She exists? Ok, spill it, man on a scale from one to ten, ten being a troll and one being Ashley Simpson before the nose job, how bad was she?” Scott asked
“So he calls her and she agrees to come get us. A half an hour later, here comes this big F-150 and I’m thinking this is gonna be good. She pulls up and gets out and”
“And she has no teeth? She is bald? She is 9 months pregnant!” Chad interrupted
“Dude, they only met six months ago” Scott says
“Exactly.” Chad says and starts laughing again. Scott takes a second to get it and he starts laughing too. They look at me.
“And she’s drop dead gorgeous.” I say and walk back to my desk.
“Wait, what? So all this shit, all this stupid shit and he still wins in the end? What the fuck kind of story was that, Jack?” Chad yelled?
“It’s the kind of story you only get when you man up and go camping with the Lord of the Rings.” I said and reminded myself to RSVP to that wedding. I wasn’t gonna miss that for the world.