Prompt Day #38: Draft a humorous instruction manual for a monster (e.g., “How to be Cthulhu”, “Neck-biting for Dummies”).
Lots of posts coming today, guys. Sorry about that. I may be batching them for awhile because I am living in the wilderness with no daily access to wifi. That will be remedied within the month but until then, enjoy my anthologies! Lol. Thanks for understanding. Still at it daily, I promise.
Welcome to Werewolfing
So, you’ve been bitten by the werewolf bug? That’s right; you’ve become a werewolf and you’re wondering how exactly to survive in the modern world where waking up in a pool of blood is no longer acceptable and there are no more “Werewolf Sheds” where you can hide out for the night of the full moon anymore.
You’ve come to the right place, my friend. This pamphlet will walk you through the basics: How did I become a werewolf, what should I expect to happen each month, and most importantly, how can I go about my daily life without this curse affecting me? Let us dive right in, we only have 28-30 days.
How did I become a werewolf? Unfortunately, the werewolf virus is an STD, or a Salivarically Transmitted Disease. This means that someone you know or perhaps a stranger even, passed this disease to you through a bite. It is important to know, now that you are a werewolf; that you cannot pass this disease to your loved ones from sharing a chew bone or drinking out of the same bowl.
What should I expect to happen each month? As the moon nears full, each month, you will start to experiences changes in your body. You may start to notice hair growth in strange places. Your skin may feel drier than usual causing you to scratch more often. Sometimes scratching that doesn’t go away can mean something more serious, like fleas, and you should consult a Vet. During this time of change, dental hygiene is of the utmost importance as you may notice a growth in both number and length of your teeth. Meat can get easily trapped, so flossing is a must.
During this time of the month, you may feel moodier and find yourself snapping at strangers for even the most minor slights (such as walking past you). You may feel like you want to lash out and lop off their head with your claws and drink the blood pouring forth from their neck. Don’t worry! This is a normal feeling and you’ll find they will pass with the moon. You will likely notice an increase in appetite as well and if you aren’t careful, you may find your scale reading up to ten pound heavier at the end of the evening. Try to stick with grass fed beef, free range chickens and the occasional vegan. While that lovely lady leaving her shift at the donut shop may make your head turn, just remember: A moment of thoughtless munches is a lifetime on the haunches.
You will also find odors to be more intense and it is perfectly acceptable to attack anyone wearing Axe body spray and tear him to shreds. Trust me, everyone else on the subway car or elevator will thank you.
How can I go about my daily life without this curse affecting me? What a great question. The good news is that we live in a modern society with plenty of great hygiene products specifically designed to help you through that time of the month. There are some great dry shampoos out there for when you simply don’t have time to wash and condition your entire body. You can also find pH balanced moist wipes that come in individually wrapped, discrete packaging for cleaning up any accidental spills during those heavy flow times (like when you hit the femoral or jugular vein). Another tip for success is to always carry a change of clothes. Sometimes the full moon sneaks up on you and when you least expect it, you’re ripping out of your clothes like the hulk. So unless you want to do a fully nude walk of shame the next morning, pack a bag and leave in your car or someplace handy (like a public park or neighbor’s barn).
Use your cell phone to set alerts and reminders. A Farmer’s Almanac is an oldie but goodie and is always reliable in a pinch. You can order a Med-Alert bracelet on line that lets potential victims know that you are a werewolf and if they can survive until morning or at least long enough for the moon to go behind a cloud, they may just have a chance.
For those of you who are married or have a family, thanks to the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, many kinds of restraints and ball gags can now be purchased without the shame that accompanied them only just five years ago. Your spouse can use as many as necessary to keep you from terrorizing the children and during the other days of the month, you can use them for mating!
Well, we hope this little starter kit helps get you through the shock of the diagnosis and gives you a little heads-up on what to expect your first few times. Just remember, you may feel strange and embarrassed at first, but it won’t be long before you’re out there spreading disease and pestilence with the best of them! Good Luck and Happy Hunting.