Prompt Day #54: Put the following title at the top of a blank piece of paper: “Monster Workshop”. Now start writing. (Option for the blocked: turn “Monster” into “Monster’s”)
Hello everyone and welcome to Monster Workshop. I’m so happy to see you all. As I walk around the room, I see that many of you have brought your own parts. Just remember that we have a lot of spares here as well. Both the game commission and the local morgue have been helpful—not that they were helpful voluntarily but that is a good example of why you should consider a henchman. You, as a scientist, will be very busy in your lab but often need someone to run errands to the local hardware or cemetery. I had my personal lackey procure these pieces for today’s workshop. So let’s go ahead and give Fritz a big hand. Thank You, Fritz.
Before we begin today’s class, I want to remind you all to like us on Facebook and follow us on Pinterest and Twitter. Fritz and I are always posting updates on our latest evil creation or handy tips for piecing together all kinds of disgusting monstrosities. Although, as I look into some of your crates and baskets, I think you could all teach us a thing or two. Wow, is all I’ve got to say. Fritz, have you looked at some of these parts? We are going to have some freaky looking mutants here.
Ok, let’s get started. Can you all see me? Yes? Good. Ok, everyone get out your torsos and put them onto your work stations. Now, something I have learned over the years of reanimating corpses is the importance of starting with the freshest tissue you can find. The older the tissue, the easier it is for your stitches to pull through and let me tell you, the quickest way to piss off a creature is poor construction. Fritz, do you remember that time we experimented with the gorilla arms and that thing started choking you? You passed out and fell, pulling the creature’s arms off with you? Oh my, he was angry. But that decaying torso saved your life, so it all turned out ok, didn’t it, Fritzy? Ok everyone take a good look at your centerpiece. Take your tweezers—or pickups as we in the field call them—and just tug a little on the cut or torn edges. Ooh, I see one over here; sorry sir but can I just use your torso as an example? See here class? Watch when I tug just slightly…yep tore right through. This will never hold an extremity or head. Anyone that has an expired piece like this come on up and Fritz will help you find a new one in the back.
Another important point in building an effective atrocity is symmetry. Go ahead and get out your lower extremities. I cannot stress to you the importance of a matching set. Fritz and I have tried time and again to match a pair from separate donors and no matter how we trimmed, broke, or otherwise adjusted, our creatures never stood or ambulated properly. Anyone need a pair from the same being? No? Good. Oh, but I’m seeing another common mistake here. Miss? What’s your name? Victoria? Ok Victoria here has a lovely pair of legs and they really are stunning, dear, but let me hold up the torso she brought with her. Anyone see the problem here? What’s that? Yes, exactly. For those of you who couldn’t hear he said that the legs are not large enough to hold up this stocky torso. Why don’t you all lay your legs next to the torso and Fritz and I will walk around and make sure they will all work.
Hi there, sir, what’s your name? Ian? Ok, now, it appears that Ian is trying to make a woman and if I’m guessing correctly, you’re trying to make yourself a good sex slave here, aren’t you, Ian, you naughty devil, you. I’ll tell you, I have never seen breasts that size on a monster meant to wreak serious havoc that’s for sure. No, no, it’s fine. We all have our reasons for being here, Ian. No need to be ashamed. I was just noticing your legs are a little shorter and thicker than this fine piece of ass as it were—oh my goodness, I have always wanted to try that joke! I think if you and Victoria traded you’d both be happier with the outcomes. Will you trade with him, Victoria? You will? Great.
Oh, ok, and here sir, what is your name? Hank? Well, Hank, I see you wanted to try gorilla parts too. I really want to break the silent rule of mad scientists and ask you where you got this nice silverback, but I won’t. But what I’ve noticed if the legs you’ve brought are quite hairless. While aesthetics should never be our main concern, we do need to maintain a certain satisfaction in our creations to decrease the risk of them turning on us. I fear that yours may feel too exposed with these bare stumps and I believe he may be at risk of some cruel bullying. So, just think about it. We have a pair of legs in the back—do we still have those legs from that poor man with hypertrichosis, Fritz? Yes, we have a pair of legs that I think just might work for you. Fritzy, hobble on back there and drag those legs out for Hank.
Now, let’s go ahead and start stitching. If you brought a henchman, this is a great job for them, if not, that’s ok too. I have experimented with many different threads and I have found that a thick gauge non-absorbable surgical suture works the best. Heavy test fishing line also works really well and can add some fun color to your corpse. I’ll give you some time. Fritz and I will be walking around to help those of you who’ve never sewn before.
I see many of you have finished. They all look great. Good job! Now, let’s do the same thing with the arms. I know a few of you already came to us with similar issues on the arms. They, in fact, do not need to match necessarily. But I think a similar length just makes sense for dressing your beast and keeping them happy with the results as well. So, I’ll tell you all the same thing, there are many, many pieces in the back, Feel free to explore. One other thing I want to point out is just because there is a hand with fingers attached to your arm does not mean you have to use them. We have lots of bone saws and table saws here that can be used. This is where I like to think about the kind of mayhem I want my creature to perform and it’s where you can get the most creative. Fritz and I have put two hands on one arm before—it’s tricky and rather advanced. You often have to remove fingers to make it work, but it’s definitely a fun look. We’ve experimented with snakes for fingers, lobster claws and the like but bottom line, is you’re going to have to stick with the same taxonomic class; meaning mammals to mammals, birds to birds—like that. Ok, you all know what to do.
Well look at these horrific creations so far! I can’t wait to get some heads on these guys and gals! The most important thing to remember about heading your monster is this is what everyone will judge it by. So if you are going for a monster that will tear your throat out with its teeth and you try to use somebody’s grandma’s head, that just won’t do, will it? Fritz and I are going to walk around now and consult with each of you individually. We will look at the body you’ve made today and give you our impressions of what you want your head to look like. Once we’ve met with you and we’re in agreement, off you’ll go to procure the coup de grace for your masterpiece. Just put your bodies into the bags we handed out as you came in and Fritz will give you a morgue locker key corresponding to the locker you’ll find your body tomorrow.
Oh! One more thing before tomorrow’s class, remember that you will need some way to attach the jumper cables to your creation. Be thinking about where you want them and what you want them to look like. There is no rule that says they have to be giant bolts in the sides of the neck. Get creative! What about screws for nipples, or metallic horns. Check out our Pinterest board “Monster Making 101” for more ideas. Last year, at this same workshop, we had a girl create a lovely steampunk gentleman who, I am happy to announce, she is marrying next weekend! Our first Marriage Made in the Lab! See Ian, the only rule is: there are no rules! Now, get out there and get some head! Oh, another joke I’ve been dying to do! See you tomorrow everyone!