The Will of a God

Prompt Day # 90: Satirize a legal document: create the Last Will and Testament of a vampire, or other undead being of your choice.

Frankly, I’m sick of vampires and if I have to read or write another zombie story I may eat my own brain. I used the werewolf already so I wanted something different and unusual. My daughter, who is a brilliant artist in her own right, helped me come up with Osiris and when I read up on some of the mythology surrounding him, I knew he was the right guy for the job.

The Will of a God

Associated Press October 4, 2015: This week, University of Pennsylvania Egyptologist and archeologist Niles Gaines announced the discovery of what he proposes to be a lost page from an Egyptian Book of the Dead. If this finding is authenticated, it will be the first time a piece of funerary text written specifically for a god has been discovered. After translation of the papyrus, which, incidentally was discovered wrapped and tied around what appears to be a golden phallus, Dr. Gaines determined it to be from the first chapter of the god Osiris’s book of the dead. Osiris is considered the god of the underworld or afterlife. If this page is indeed that of the god Osiris, it would be considered the first book of the dead chronologically; a template for all others thereafter.

Dr. Gaines and his team of researchers found the phallus and scroll during an excavation in the Egyptian city of Tell El-Ruba which in ancient times was known as the City of Djedet. An ancient city known to have worshiped the ram god Banebdjedet who was considered to be the Ba or soul of the god Osiris. In Egyptian mythology, the god Osiris was murdered and cut into pieces by his brother Set. His wife, Isis searched for his pieces and managed to find them all except his penis. She then fashioned a phallus out of gold and putting him back together, she used a spell to bring him back to life just long enough for him to impregnate her. Osiris then returned to the underworld.

It would seem that while the gods and goddesses are considered to be a part of mythology, the golden phallus is evidence that someone did indeed create an offering to the deceased god and if Dr. Gaines is correct, when he was brought back to life by Isis, he lived long enough to impregnate her as well as leave a Will which became the first part of his personal book of the dead. This Will would then serve as a guide to the appropriate death practices to ensure a place in the afterlife.

Dr. Gaines has provided this reporter with his translation of the papyrus thus far. The following is reprinted with the permission of the University of Pennsylvania and Dr. Gaines.

Will and Testament of Osiris

I, god Osiris, being of sound mind and fragmented body decree that my earthly remains be returned to my tomb.

The canopic jars containing my organs shall remain entombed with me except a single testicle which shall be entombed with my murderous brother Set as a token of my just and forgiving nature and because he will need it after my son takes his revenge.

Upon excerebration, my left eye shall be removed and given to my son Horus as he shall lose his avenging my death.

My phallus has been offered to and accepted by the sacred medjed fish who reigns over the Nile

For this gift, I ask that he ensure the continued annual floods of the life-giving river.

The crook and flail that I have carried in life and likeness shall be given to all pharaohs who come after me so that with the crook, they may shepherd their flock and with the flail they may flog their slaves.

My soul shall be given to the people of the city of Mendes so that they may find religion in the worship of the ram.

Lastly, to my wife, the powerful and beautiful Isis who found my body so that I may once again rest in whole peace.

I ask that my lower half be wrapped in rags and coated in resin in a mummification ritual

In this way, my missing member shall remain unknown to those who worship me.

The golden phallus which you made in such perfect likeness of mine own, is yours to keep, my eternal love. While you may continue to miss your Lord of Love in spirit, you shan’t need to do so in body.

These hieroglyphs I chiseled with mine own hand,

Osiris

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