Prompt Day #104: Argue with the devil. Or conversely, be the devil’s advocate. Literally.
WARNING: If you are a Christian and you have no sense of humor when it comes to your religion: Do NOT read this. You will get pissed and be mad at me. If you have always had questions about the bible and think it is ok to ask those questions, and you can appreciate a good satire, then enjoy. If you do not fit in the above categories, do whatever your little heart desires–that’s the beauty of free will.
Interview with the Devil
Me: Hello. Thank you for coming, Mr. uh, what shall I call you?
Devil: Just call me The Great Lord of the Underworld. That’ll be fine
Me: Wow, ok. That’s a bit much.
Devil: Look, you asked me to come, so you will call me what I ask to be called…or you can call me Satan, whatevs.
Me: Thank you, Satan, that’s a little easier for me. And thank you for coming today. I’m sure you’re very busy with the presidential debates, mass shootings and all that.
Devil: Hey, don’t be blaming me for that shit. I’m just the idea man; free will was invented by the other guy.
Me: Ok, sorry. But that’s actually what I invited you here to talk about. See, I do these practice writing exercises, mostly from the horror genre…
Devil: Ah, the horror genre, my favorite scapegoat
Me: Yeah, well anyways, today my prompt is to either argue with you or be your advocate. Now, I’m not saying I believe in you by inviting you here, but I’d like to play “devil’s advocate” for this one.
Devil: No Way? Seriously? That’s cool. So what topic are we discussing?
Me: Well, I’ve been thinking about that all day and I decided that we’ve never heard your side of the whole Genesis story. All we have to go buy is the bible story. So, I thought we could re-visit the Garden of Eden and get your version of it.
Devil: My version…hmm…yeah, yeah, you know, you’re right. No one has ever heard my version, which happens to be the actual way it went down.
Me: Perfect. So where should we start?
Devil: Let’s start with the whole “Man in God’s” image thing. Look at me. Do I look like a fish? It’s not like I wasn’t there at that time. Right? So why not say he made man in our image? Give me some credit. I was an angel then. All the angels were helping. Like “Hey, what if it wasn’t all water?” and “maybe the man would want to eat meat, how about some animals” that kind of stuff. But who gets all the credit? Nice.
Me: Oh, yeah. Good point. What about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?
Devil: You see, that’s another thing. I said “Now, do you think it’s a good idea putting that there right in the middle of the garden? I mean that’s a bit tempting, isn’t it?” And also, I remember telling him “If you’re gonna insist on putting it there, tell them it’s poisonous and leave it at that. Don’t go telling them it’s the tree of knowledge.” But does he listen to me? Nope. And then after he does it, he starts thinking “oh crap, maybe Beelz is right” I was called Beelzebub back then, but I hate that, it’s my angel name so don’t try it. Anyways he’s like “well, I fucked that up, so he tries to cover it with If you eat that fruit, you’ll die immediately.” I had a god laugh at that one. Those two had been on earth for one day, you think they even had a clue what death meant? See what I’m saying, yet he takes all the credit.
Me: Yeah, I always wondered why he did that. It seemed like he was the one doing the tempting.
Devil: Hey, it’s all through that damn book, man. But when he does it, it’s called “testing. God is testing you” the devil is “tempting you” see the subtle difference. Testing is a good thing, tempting is evil. Same damned thing if you ask me.
Me: Yeah, I have to agree with you there.
Devil: Thanks, you know, it’s never too late to start worshipping me if you want.
Me: Don’t push your luck. So back to the story.
Devil: Yeah, so anyways, I had a good laugh at him telling them they would die. So I decide to head down and see what those two would do with that info. So, of course the two of them were infatuated with that tree. It was the magical tree. They were constantly staring at it. So, I ask them, “what do you think of this tree?” and they tell me it’s a beautiful tree and all but God told them not to touch it because they would die right away. I said “Look, he literally just made you guys. He’s on an ego high right now. He’s walking around up there showing off, inviting all the angels over to have a look. You guys are like his prize possession. He isn’t gonna kill you. Don’t even stress about it” That’s what I said. I just wanted them to move on with their lives. You know get out there and have a good time, get fruitful and multiply. I was just helping ease their concerns.
Me: Sure, ok. So you didn’t tell Eve to eat that apple? Because honestly, I get a little pissed at how things turned out for women because of this tale.
Devil: Oh geez, that was so long ago, I can’t remember who took the first bite. For all I know maybe I did. It had been a long journey down there. So I may have eaten it first, but which of the two took the first human bite who knows. But here’s what I do know: Adam ratted us all out. So if anyone should be bleeding and pushing babies out a small hole, it ought to be that little bitch. We heard God coming and I said “Hey, no need to run away, now we are his equals. We’ll just sit down and have some good intellectual debates” But they were afraid of the old man so they hid. But God’s like “Hey, where are you guys?” and Adam’s like “oh we’re here hiding because we’re naked and you’ll be mad” and you know what, I’ll give him this—the kid had a point. God wasn’t naked. He had a big robe on all the time. So, whether they’d eaten that fruit or not, don’t you think after a while they might start wondering why he wanted them to be naked anyways? And now that you got me thinking about it, maybe God was just a big perv. He was probably mostly pissed because they didn’t want him oogling their junk.
Me: haha. Goss, but another good point.
Devil: I know, right? So, God’s like “Hey, how did you know about being naked?” and Adam jumps up and is all like “it was her God. The one you made to help me. She did it. She made me eat it. I didn’t want to. I told her no but she practically forced me. She said if I didn’t she wouldn’t be my helper anymore and she wouldn’t let me multiply with her!” Oh he whined and cried. I looked at Eve like well, sister, so much for women’s equality.
Me: I figured as much. Men.
Devil: So, I said to her “Look, just go tell him one of the animals told you to do it.” Just then, a big snake came slithering by and Eve wrinkled her nose and kicked at it. That gave me an idea. I said “Yeah, tell him the serpent made you do it. Then God will probably get rid of him and not you guys” But before we had a chance to try it, there was God with Adam right behind him pointing us out. So God curses me! Then poor Eve. He said he was going to multiply her sorrow—as if her being stuck with that asshole for the rest of her life wasn’t sad enough—and make childbirth so painful AND then worst of all because Adam was now the Lord’s pet, he tells her that Adam would rule over her! And what does Adam get? Well think about it. He tells Adam “you’ll have to you know, keep this garden weed free and grow stuff and then make food out of it” Like that wasn’t his plan all along? You think God was gonna take care of all this stuff he made? No. He was always creating worlds and then getting bored with them, leaving them half done.
Me: You mean all the other planets were…
Devil: Yep. Some of them even had living beings on but he didn’t take care of them. They were all cute and sweet when they were knew but when they needed fed, and disciplined and all that, he didn’t want to deal with it. So trust me, Adam would have ended up fending for himself anyways.
Me: Huh, makes sense why this world is such a mess. We’re old news to him now. He’s bored.
Devil: Ever wonder why he talked to people all the time in the bible but never bothers anymore? He has moved on. If you want to know, keep an eye on the updates with Mars, he’s been dabbling again.
Me: Oh, yeah, like there wasn’t water on Mars and now there is?
Devil: Let there be water…and it was good. Yep.
Me: Wow, kind of a jerk, isn’t he?
Devil: Try pompous, egotistical, sadistic bastard. But that’s just my opinion.
Me: What a story.
Devil: Oh, there’s more. Let me finish it up for you. So, God is all like “Shit, Beelz tried to tell me it was a bad idea to put this here. I don’t want any competition. If they stay and keep eating, they’ll start asking even more questions.” So he kicks them out, then invites an angel down with a flaming sword to guard the tree. Imagine how all this would have gone if he had done that first. All knowing my ass. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing when he started this. Not a clue.
Me: Doesn’t sound like it.
Devil: Hey, look, after that incident, he was so screwed up. He was making bad decisions left and right. Adam and Eve had a couple boys, nice kids if you ask me. Got along well, worked hard. Cain was the oldest and he took after his father, grew a lot of great veggies and fruit. Abel liked the animals and he started herding and whatnot. So, Abel and Cain decide to make offerings to God, trying to be friendly and make amends. God was still brooding over the idea that Adam and Eve were basically his equal and he wasn’t this great and powerful wizard everyone thought he was. So out of pure spite he accepts Abel’s offering (because he wanted to eat some meat) and decided not to accept Cain’s He stirred that pot, not me. Do you see any mention of me in that chapter? Nope. I stayed out of it. So, then Cain is like “Well fuck you then, I’m out” and he’s like “good luck tilling all your own fruits and veggies you dick” And then God was all worried cause he didn’t want to go back to having to do his own work. So he goes to Cain is all like “What’s up little guy? Why are you so mad?” And Cain was like “what the fuck?” and God’s all like “Well it just wasn’t your best work, that’s all. I mean, I still want you to make offers to me, I just want it to be the best of the best. I’m God, the great and powerful. So, I deserve it”
Me: Seems like he was trying to cover up yet another mistake.
Devil: Of course he was. The guy’s an egomaniac. He’ll never admit he made a mistake. So, Cain is just seething because the truth is, Abel just randomly picked a sheep from his herd and gave it to God while Cain tried to pick his best crops. So, of course he is gonna take it out on Abel. So, he kills the kid. Smacks him over the head with a rock…like 50 times. Haha, it was pretty glorious actually. I was laughing my as off. God asks me what’s so funny and I quickly tell the earth to swallow up Abel’s body. But I couldn’t get the blood cleaned up before God looked down and saw it. But you know, again, he knew it was his fault. He instigated the whole thing. So he is like “What did you do?” and Cain, you know, he felt so bad. He really did. Even I felt sorry for the kid. Then God tells him that he can’t be a farmer anymore and the kid is completely crushed. God tells him he has to leave and go somewhere. Cain is worried about that, he thinks people will start asking questions and when they find out he killed his brother, well and eye for an eye and all that jazz. Now, God is trying to fix his fuck up cause he knows he started the whole sibling rivalry, so he says “hey, don’t worry I got your back, if anyone hurts you, I’ll kill them and like 6 more people in their family. That seems fair.” So off Cain goes all alone.
Me: So that’s the end of that. You know, your story is pretty close to the Genesis version, it just takes the spin out. I just have one more question before I let you go.
Devil: Yeah, really, I’ve been here too long as it is. I turn my back and the freaking Detroit Lions pull out a win, all Hell’s broke loose. I need to get back and get things under control.
Me: Oh, shit, sorry about that. I just was wondering where all the other people came from. I mean there was Adam and Eve, and two boys. But Cain goes off to the land of Nod and finds a wife. How did that happen?
Devil: I always wondered why nobody ever questioned that. Where did all those people come from? Well, remember how I said God gets bored easily? Well, he was bored and pissed at how badly he fucked up the first go round, so rather than start all over with a new world, he just went like 20 miles away and started a new Garden of Eden only this one he called Nod. But this time he left the Tree where it was and he told them from the start they had to work the earth and herd the animals and make sacrifices to him cause he liked that. So yeah, that’s the story.
Me: Thanks a lot for taking the time to tell your side of the story. I think it’s only fair after all. And again, I’m sorry I distracted you from the Lion’s game
Devil: Eh, I guess we can throw ‘em a bone now and again, that way, when we crush their hopes there is so much more suffering involved. Plus I still have Trump.
Me: Yeah, if you could maybe stop with that
Devil: No can do little lady, he sold his soul to me a long time ago and I want that soul bad. I gotta hold up my end of the deal. See ya later?
Me: Unlikely. But nice try.