Damn Stroker’s Dictionary of the Misheard, Mispronounced and Misunderstood Monsters of Myth and Legend

Prompt Day #134: Entitle a piece with one of these puns on Vampires: “Vampliers,” “Vamp Liar,” or “Ampire.” (Invent your own puns on classic monsters like the “Hairwolf”)

 

Damn Stroker’s Dictionary of the Mispronounced, Misheard, and Misunderstood Monsters of Myth and Legend

Ok, so here is another situation where I took a little liberty with the prompt. I did not entitle my piece using one of those plays on the word Vampire, instead I couldn’t stop coming up with ridiculous words based on Vampire, Werewolf, and Zombies and gave them equally ridiculous definitions/taglines and collected them all in a ridiculously titled book. Enjoy a break from the horror (except for the horror of my humor, sorry about that)

 

  • Glampire: “We glitter all the time, Baby”
  • Grampire: “Back in my day we had to worry about wooden stakes, holy water, and garlic. Meanwhile all you young’uns worry about is a mortal girl falling in love with you!”
  • Vumpire: When this one gets up behind you, it’s ONE strike and you’re out.
  • Ma’ampire: Will only bite you after opening the door for you, buying you dinner and walking you home before curfew
  • Fanpire: Silly goth wanna-bes who insist on wearing fake fangs and capes all the time
  • Campire: This species does not drink blood but they do come in the middle of the night to your camp site and clean your cooler out
  • Glarewolf: If looks could kill, this thing would be vicious
  • Ne’erwolf: AKA the pseudowolf, this strange creature is actually just a man who acts like an utter maniac every full moon
  • Pearwolf: A female werewolf with a big butt, hips and tail
  • Swearwolf: Can tear you apart verbally
  • Verevolf: A werewolf residing in Romania
  • Whereverwolf: The snotty adolescent phase of the werewolf who is often moody and too busy with their iphone to actually do you any harm
  • Abercrombies: A form of cachectic undead who wander about in dimly lit alcoves in the mall. Beware: they dowse themselves in Axe body spray to cover the smell of decay. They are in desperate need of brains—they just don’t know it
  • Mombies: Often seen with deep dark circles under the eyes, half dressed, wondering about in slippers. They are typically harmless, not interested in your brain as much as just wanting to make sure you have on clean underwear
  • Pombies: Red-lipped creatures who don’t seem to be aware that the Pomegranate is no longer the “in” food and has been replaced with Kale. You’ll know them by their call: “Seeds…Seeds” or “Overpriced, odd-shaped bottles of juice…sour, disgusting juice”

 

 

 

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