I Was A Menopausal Mrs. Potato Head

Prompt Day #147: Rearrange a Face

I Was A Menopausal Mrs. Potato Head

 

I thought it was an acne outbreak, which seemed strange in and of itself given my age. I looked it up and it turns out, pimples are common in midlife. Great, one more thing to enjoy about getting older, I thought. Only it wasn’t acne.

The small red bumps all around my nose grew into pustules and then began to ooze. I leaned over the bathroom sink and did what anyone would do; I picked at them. One by one I picked until all of a sudden, my nose fell off and bounced into the sink. I know it sounds crazy, and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me until I looked up in the mirror and there was a flat, red spot where my nose used to be. It was gone…well, not entirely. It was lying in my sink. I picked it up, wiped it off and tried to stick it back on. It fell right back off. So, I wrapped it up in some toilet paper, put it in my make up bag and went to bed. I know that sounds unbelievable and that is precisely why I did not do anything but go to bed. You see, I thought I was having some weird LSD type hallucination brought on by “the change of life”. I’d heard of hot flashes and night sweats, but who would ever talk about stuff like this? I decided that I would go to sleep, wake up refreshed in the morning and realize it had all been a weird hormone-induced hallucination.

I woke up in the morning, that part was as expected. I went to the mirror first thing. My nose was gone still but in its place was my right eye which appeared to have slid down into the spot overnight.

“What the…” I began but then my lips tumbled off into the sink. They laid there open in a mocking “OH!” as if they were just as surprised by their abandonment of my face as I was. My right eye plunked down into the spot they had left and now my left eye was trying to move in to fill the right one’s void. I put my hand over the clearing where my nose had been to keep my eye where it was. There was only a small opening there now to breathe through anyways. But there was a gaping hole where my right eye had been and I could see my breath fogging up the mirror in front of it. The eye socket was a big round hole and that gave me an idea. I grabbed my lips out of the sink, washed them off with hand soap and tried them on like an eye patch. They stuck! I moved them.

“Weird.” I said. “Wha..ear..duh.” I said again exaggerating my enunciation. But they worked just fine in their new home. I scratched my head and as a force of habit tucked hair behind my ear which subsequently fell off right into my hand. I stared at it. And then up at my Picasso-esque face. There was vacant real estate that had once been home to two nostrils and then for a short time later, an eyeball. Before the thing closed up completely, I tried sticking the ear there. It stayed.

“Ha!” I yelled then cringed. My own voice was much louder now that my mouth sat only inches above my ear. It was hard to really appreciate this new look as my eyes were still adjusting to the new perspectives. My head hurt. I wondered where I would put some Tylenol if I needed it. I opened my eye-mouth and looked in.

“AHHH” I said but it was too dark to see where it went. For sure into my lungs because I was now breathing out of it but I certainly didn’t want to put a pill and a glass of water into my respiratory tract. I stuck my finger into the blackness as far as it would go and then I wiggled it, trying to induce a gag and maybe vomit, then I would know for sure. Instead it made me feel like I had to sneeze. I wondered if I sneezed, would all my face pieces fly off and into the sink like some cartoon character and if not, where would the sneeze come out?

And then it came, out of the side of my head. Snot dripped down from the canal that used to be my ear but now looked like a bullet track.

“Aha!” this was like putting a puzzle together, I grabbed my wrapped up nose out of my make-up bag and stuck it where my ear used to be (after wiping off the snot of course) and there it stayed. I had to pull my hair up into a ponytail though because it kept tickling my nose which induced more sneezing and gave me yet another reason to keep my hair away from the nostrils.

But still, I’m sitting here pondering where I should put my food and where have my teeth gone? There are really only two holes left. One is being used right now, as I write all this down, and it doesn’t feel any different. As for the other, I suppose looking the way I do now, there won’t be anything else in it anytime soon, and at 51, nothing more is coming out of it either.

I guess I won’t be ordering popcorn at the movies anymore.

 

 

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