The Care and Keeping of Your Ceature

Prompt Day #157: Domesticate a monster

If any of you have the book Instigation: Creative Prompts on The Dark Side, you may notice I flip-flopped today and tomorrow’s prompts. I needed to do the easier of the two today rather than tomorrow because my day job left me with a couple hours of sleep over 48 hours so, my brain isn’t in its fully functioning creative mode. I know even this one could have been better, I could have skipped today but that would have been cheating. So, here’s what I came up with for this one and hopefully I can do justice to tomorrow’s after more sleep.


The Care and Keeping of Your Creature


First of all congratulations and welcome to the fascinating world of monster husbandry. I’m sure you’ve turned to this book with an exasperated “Now what?” after the initial excitement of acquiring such an unusual pet or companion has worn off and you are faced with the task of domestication.

The first thing you must do is determine what genre your monster is from. This will help you in learning how to appropriately train and discipline your little beastie. Monsters are broken down into two basic genres; classic and modern. The classic monster tends to be slower both mentally and physically. These types of monsters are great for households that don’t expect much in the way of service or tricks—for instance perhaps a companion for the elderly. They can usually be easily overcome as well. The modern monster is fast and tricky. They are smart, very smart, some may even have a USB port available to downloading software and data. These monsters do better in homes with preteen and teenage children but need to be monitored closely as they can quickly turn on their owners.

Don’t Forget! Not all monsters are humanoid. If yours doesn’t resemble a human, make sure you find out where its mouth is!

Now that we know your monster’s general tendencies and you’ve found his mouth, let’s talk about feeding. Owning a monster is not for the faint of heart. A hard and fast rule to remember when it comes to monster feeding is: No Monster Is A Vegan! That’s right, if you are going to keep a monster, you should have a strong stomach. Check your monster’s teeth. Are they all sharp and pointy or flatter in front like a human’s? This is important although difficult to ascertain. (We suggest chain mail gloves.) Monsters with sharp pointy teeth, tend to prefer fresh flesh that they can rip and tear apart. Human-type teethed monsters will rely on you to find their flesh, rot it (in a well ventilated basement or garage) and then provide it to them in large dismembered pieces.

Don’t Forget! A monster’s taste for flesh or body fluids may change after the sun goes down or during the full moon. Be extra vigilant with your monster during this time.

Unlike dogs and cats, monsters can offer some difficult house training obstacles. For one thing, their feces is often full of bones, teeth and jewelry that will clog your plumbing. Some modern genre monsters may be so genetically modified that they void acid so paper training is out of the question, and if your monster is a hybrid with robotic parts, you may need to find an environmentally safe dump station for his/her waste.

DIY Tip: Make your monster a litter box using a recycled coffin filled with grave dirt!

A most important consideration when adopting a monster is where he/she/it will sleep. No matter how well your monster is responding to your domestication techniques, it is never, I repeat NEVER a good idea to allow yourself to sleep in the same room with you. Remember that deep down, a monster will always be a killing machine. A responsible monster owner will not put their creature in a situation that tests its self-control. A sleeping and defenseless human is nothing more than an amuse buche to a feral monster. Chaining your monster in the basement at night is probably the best thing for both of you.

Don’t Forget! But it is NEVER ok to lock your monster in a hot car!