Fitness For An Active Death Life

Prompt Day #184: Write a fitness manual for the living dead

 

Fitness for An Active Death Life

 

So you thought the importance of physical health ended with death? Well maybe for those lazy slobs that stayed six feet under but not you! You’re back from the dead and you’re hungry. Maybe you’ve noticed that you’re not as spry and lively as you used to be. Maybe your joints have turned or dislocated due to soft tissue decay. If you want to get the most out of your time as an animated corpse then you’ve come to the right place.

This manual is divided into two sections: Cardio (exercises that will cause your heart to bounce around in your chest), Strength training, and Yoga for stability and balance. Alternating the two every other day will slow the muscle breakdown common after death and will keep the flesh-eating insects from making a home in your ears. You’ll also need to keep up with your living prey and be able to rip off a tasty chunk of hushi (human sushi) without your own appendages falling off.

Cardio:

  1. Uphill Shambling: It’s hard enough to initiate locomotion on a horizontal surface, so the importance of shambling your dead weight up a hill cannot be stressed enough. Shamble up and down a hill for at least 30 minutes each day.
  2. Army Crawls: For those of you “upper torso only” zombies that seem to be all the rage these days, you need to relearn to travel using only your arms to pull your weight along. It’s difficult to do when your living, but to learn a new way to ambulate when you’re brain dead, well, all we can say is practice, practice, practice
  3. Crippled Walking: Let’s be honest, dead walkers are not the most graceful. You will fall, you will probably get hit with a baseball bat once or twice, you’ll need to learn to continue to move even with a foot turned 90 degrees or with a broken tibia

Strength:

  1. Coffin sit-ups: Let’s face it, if you can’t get up out of the coffin, you’re not going to get very far. This is a great starter exercise and should be repeated daily
  2. Dead Lifts: Once you’ve taken down a breather, you need to get your food and leave before their friends or family come after you. You need to be able to lift a dead arm or leg, rip it off and shamble onward.
  3. Jawzercise: Before you died, most of your food was softened by cooking. Your jaws and teeth were never trained to rip raw meat right off the bone. These jaw exercises will help improve your ability to bite into that juicy bubble.

Yoga:

  1. Downward Facing Hellhound: There are two major moves that are essential for zombie survival. The first, downward facing hellhound for stopping the inevitable face first pitch forward. Learning to catch yourself with arms out and palms down, allows you to stop, regain your balance and get back up all while still standing.
  2. Moon Salutation: This is the best maneuver for getting yourself back up should you forget to catch yourself in downward facing hellhound or those instances when you’ve taken an unexpected hit to the back with a baseball bat and fall flat.

 

The beauty of this manual is in its succinctness. It’s too much to expect your lifeless neurons to remember more than a few moves or to maintain your attention on something you can’t eat. So practice these as often as you can for a long, satisfying active death life.

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