Kill Your Enemies to Death

Prompt Day #208: Describe a satanic rite as absurdly as possible, going for maximum humor.

So, I am not religious in any way. I know nothing about Satanism and had to do a google search on Satanic Rites (If I am ever a suspect in a crime and the FBI confiscates my laptop, I’m screwed). Turns out, there is a website called The Joy of Satan—no kidding. And they take themselves very seriously. Maybe it is my cynicism in general, but I got a lot of laughs reading the actual descriptions of Satanic Rites which sounded absurd all on their own. So, I have no idea how funny this is compared to the real thing (my sincerest apologies to any Satanist out there reading this. If it is any consolation to you, I have made fun of Christianity too in some of my writings)


Kill Your Enemy to Death

                This chapter of Satanism for Dummies will focus on rites and spells for the practicing Satanist. A good place to start is a spell to help you kill your enemies or people that recently pissed you off. For instance, I like to pull this particular curse out for those assholes that don’t use their blinkers, pay with a check in the express checkout line or ask too many questions at PTO meetings. If that kind of nonsense pisses you off too, then this is the spell for you.

Before beginning this rite, you’ll need to make a poppet. It’s important to stress that there is a distinct difference between a poppet and a “voodoo doll”. A poppet is a small doll which can be made from different elements and used to represent your victim. It is used in satanic rituals such as the Death Rite. Whereas a voodoo doll is a small person-shaped object made of a variety of materials and is used by voodoo practitioners to hex or curse someone (even to such extremes as death!).

Now that we’ve cleared that up, there are a few very important points the beginner needs to consider when making a poppet.

–For best results, you should incorporate a part of your intended victim’s body into the poppet

–Try not to use a vital body part as this will defeat the purpose of the rite because your victim will already be dead.

–While your poppet should be made of sturdy materials, using a log or stone is probably a bad idea because if you try to inflict damage on it, it could backfire and hurt you instead. (Anvils and concrete blocks are also bad ideas—I learned this the hard way), not to mention difficulty in traveling with these items.

–The more your poppet resembles your victim the better, this is why artists often make the best Satanists.

–While making the poppet, try to focus all your hatred onto the intended victim. Chanting in Latin always helps to set the mood but if you don’t know Latin; try singing Ugly Kid Joe’s “I Hate Everything About You.”

–If you’re still confused, check out my Pinterest board “These are not Voodoo dolls”

–Lastly but most important, you should put your victim’s name on it. If you don’t know their name, it is ok to assign them one. Important tip: do NOT assign them the same name as your spouse or best friend or anyone else you wouldn’t want to die a terrible death.


Now that you have your poppet, you need to go to the cemetery and gather some dirt. If anyone sees you doing this and starts asking questions, tell them you are digging for earthworms to use as fishing bait. Tell them you heard the worms here are the plumpest. Don’t forget to keep thinking about hating the subject of this rite. It is important to remain in an angry crazed state lest you start thinking that maybe you shouldn’t be doing something so evil just because that old lady didn’t use her blinker. (These are just the kind of thoughts Jesus Christ tries to put in your head. Do not give into that sort of love for your fellow man. That is just what he wants you to do).

One thing I forgot to mention before we started is that they say it is best to do this rite when the moon is waning and is in Scorpio or Capricorn. I always forget this part because frankly I don’t know what a waning moon looks like and also, I have never seen the moon when it is in the middle of the Scorpio or Capricorn constellations, so if you happen to see it creeping into one of those, then get your poppet ready and pick one of your enemies to focus on.

Next, construct a box, cardboard is ok. In fact, you probably don’t have to construct one as cardboard boxes are available in many sizes already constructed. If you are really poor and can’t afford to buy something that comes in a pre-constructed cardboard box, go to the post office and tell them you need a flat rate shipping box. Assure them that you are taking it home to pack something you plan to mail and that it is definitely not for any satanic death rite.

Now, light a black candle. I know black candles are hard to find so I think it’s ok if you get a purple one or maybe a really dark blue, like the kind you have to hold up against something you know is black in order to tell if it is black or blue. The Dark Lord Satan would probably be ok with that. Once, I was really strapped for cash so I just set a black plastic chess piece on fire. Helpful tip: If you are going to use a substitute candle, you should probably contain it in a metal waste can.

Now put your poppet in the box and pour some but not all your cemetery dirt in the box with it (save about ½ cup of dirt for garnish) and you should probably start chanting again or if you can stand another round of Ugly Kid Joe, play that.

Take your box out somewhere to bury it. You can bury it anywhere, but be careful because if someone sees you, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do and also, it will distract you from your concentration on how you’d like your victim to die. Now, I know you hate them, but don’t make up something ridiculous like maybe they run out into the middle of a busy New York City street in the nude if your victim lives in Northern Idaho and is paraplegic. That just makes no sense at all.

Now, you sit back and wait. When word comes that your victim has died, it is best not to let on that you are happy about it. Also, you should act surprised and say things like “Wow, I would never have imagined he would have fallen through the ice and travel downstream in the current and then pound on the underside of the ice but no one heard him and he drowned. I mean what are the chances of that?” This will keep all suspicions off you.

Also, you will need to take some time in private to thank Lord Satan because he will get super pissed if he doesn’t get credit for everything bad that happens (Even the Christians know that!) So Hail Satan.

Read on to learn more advanced rites such as live goat burning and midnight forest orgies.