Memo From the President

Prompt Day #254: Invent a new form of water torture. If you need inspiration, go to a water park or plumbing supply company.

I’m so sorry for this. I keep saying I don’t want to get political, but I cannot control myself when given a prompt about water torture. I can’t. Forgive me. I promise not to stoop to this level again. It’s all uphill from here. I mean, I’ll do my very best. Think of this not so much a pinky promise but more like a political promise–I may or may not keep it but I’m telling you I will.


To: All Agents

From: Office of President Trump

Re: Water Boarding


Effective Immediately: We need to get tougher on terrorists, because torture works, okay? It does. As I stated in my candidacy, I plan to get more severe and tougher with waterboarding. I have been having long discussions with myself because I know a lot about torture, probably more than anyone in the world, okay? I do and I have so many ideas of how to make it worse on these guys, you know? They want to kill us. They want to chop off our heads. We have to get more severe. This goes for them, their wives, their children, even their little babies. Because, and I know this for a fact, I’ll tell you, those babies are trained in the womb to kill. Those babies know ways to kill Americans that we’ve never even considered, okay? So, yeah, we’re going to torture them all. And I have some of the best ideas. I have made a list of new water tortures that I want you guys to start doing right away. I’m your leader so, you have to do whatever I say and you have to try all my ideas. And I think you need to know that we’re doing this with so much love for our country. By mindlessly following me and doing everything I say, you’re proving your love for your country, and I’ll tell you this: I think if you try to refuse any of these methods, I think there’ll be riots. Bad riots and you know, I wouldn’t condone it, but I think some of my supporters would do some very bad things because they are good people and they love their country. Just remember that. I said this back in 1990.

New Water Torture Method #1: We force their eyes open with those things they used on A Clockwork Orange—which by the way, was a really good movie. I mean those boys were like my supporters. They were frustrated and angry with their government and they loved their country. A lot of love in that movie, folks, a lot of love. Anyways, we force their eyes open so they can’t blink and we slowly drip water into their eyes for hours and hours. Then we shoot them in the head of course and shoot their fat, ugly wives and their killer babies.

#2: When I go to Louisiana, which by the way, I love and they love me there. Louisiana is like a second home to me. When I go there, and I stay in one of my many, many luxury hotels, my chefs—which by the way are the top chefs in the world, like the best—they make me frog legs, which is a local delicacy. I’ve watched them prepare them, because frankly I love to watch small creatures get destroyed by bigger, smarter people like me and my top chefs. They put those things in the water and heat the water up while they are in there. That way the frogs don’t know until it’s too late and they don’t jump out. That’s smart. That’s the kind of planning I want on my team. I would take these terrorists—and you know what—I have a lot of money, folks, a lot of money, so we build a big tank, big enough for those bad guys and their innocent families. We just dump them all in my Trump Tank and heat ‘em up! Yeehaw, watch them suckers burn. Burn in hell like the American hating losers they are.

#3: Now this one, I came up with after a lot of time spent thinking. I have so many ideas. We take the terrorists and we tie some of my gold bars to their feet—I have money to throw away folks, it’s no secret. And we dump them in one of the great lakes. Michigan won’t mind. They love me there, they pledged their lakes to me from day one. They want dead terrorists in those lakes. They do. This one is really original. No one has ever done anything like this before, that I can tell you.