One Hell of a Budget

Prompt Day #293: Sketch a humorous conversation involving the devil’s accountant.

One Hell of a Budget


“Hello, Lucifer? This is Arnie Goldstein, your accountant. I wanted to touch base with you on your recent budget changes.”


“Well, uh, well, it seems that your expenses this year have already surpassed last year’s and it is only May. I had a few concerns.”

“Go on.”

“Well, let’s start with the hot tubs. Am I correct in that you just installed three hundred ten person hot tubs?”

“I did indeed.”

“Sir, it’s Hell. Do you have many requests for hot tubs? It would seem to me that swimming pools—“

“Swimming pools? It’s Hell! It’s supposed to be hot. Hot tubs are just another option for heat. People are all about choices no a days.”

“And that would explain the twelve hundred saunas then as well.”

“Yes, it would. All heat, more choices.”

“I see. It’s just that these things cost money, and you know, we don’t exactly have a lot of benefactors.”

“Arnie, have you looked at our yelp reviews? Terrible. I had to do something.”

“Do you think adding hot tubs and saunas to Hell will make people happier?”

“I don’t know, Arnie, why don’t you come down and spend a millennia or two and let me know.”

“Fine. But Espresso machines too?”

“Decaf espresso.”

“But Espresso machines, three thousand espresso machines?”

“Who doesn’t like to sip on a nice hot cup of coffee while they’re in the sauna or hot tub, eh?”

“Ok, I’m not going to argue about the purchases. I see you feel very strongly about this. But then I have to strongly advise you against all these campaign contributions.”

“How can I not contribute to a campaign with the slogan ‘Make America Hate Again’?”

“Sir, I think you’ve misheard. Trump’s campaign is ‘Make America Great Again’”

“Arnie. Really? Have you seen this campaign? It’s the best recruiting for Hell, I’ve ever seen. Just put it under my advertising budget.”

“I’m not going to win this, am I?”

“No, and might I remind you Arnie that I hired you because I know you know how to cook these books. You’re just as good with heat as I am. So cook ‘em good. Make it work, or I’ll be seeing you a lot sooner than I had originally planned.”

“Oh, I was under the impression that my working for you now was in lieu of my eternal damnation.”

“Hahaha. That was a very poor impression then, Arnie. No, it’s not that easy. I was just allowing you more time on Earth before bringing you down here.

“But sir.”

“Those hot tubs and espresso machines don’t seem too bad now, do they?”