The Venus Vampon

Prompt Day #306: Write about a WOMAN-eating plant (as opposed to just a man-eater).

The Venus Vampon

 

“Go Green when you’re on your Red”

                We here at FemLab industries are so very excited to introduce the future in renewable, earth friendly feminine hygiene products. Using state of the art science, we have developed a plant that grows a menstrual cup with built in tampon. The amazing thing about this plant is that when the cup portion is plucked and used, the plant ingests the menstrual blood and uses it to develop into a new seed pod which can then be planted into the original container and in exactly 28 days, a new plant will be formed and ready to use! That’s right, buy one plant and it will continue to reproduce itself as long as you are capable of reproducing!

Using safe genetic modification techniques. FemLab has spliced the genes of the Venus Fly Trap with that of the cotton plant to produce what we call The Venus Vampon. No more landfills full of biohazardous tampons and maxi pads made out of God-knows-what. Become a nature goddess and feed the earth with your own body and let it, in turn help you in your cycle.

 

FemLab’s Newest Product Recalled after Multiple Unexpected and Frightening Deaths

After only two months on the public market, FemLab, Inc. has recalled its newest and strangest product for feminine hygiene, The Vampon, due to a number of consumer deaths.

The Vampon is a genetically Modified Organism; a combination of various plant species including the Venus Fly Trap and the Cotton Plant. This plant grows and blooms every 28 days in conjunction with an average menstrual cycle. The cup like “trap” that forms fills with a ball of cotton and opens into a cup shape. When fully formed and ready, the bloom is plucked from the plant and inserted into the woman’s vagina and used a menstrual cup. The cotton-like substance absorbs the blood and tissue throughout the entire cycle. That’s right, FemLab, Inc. insists that because this is a biologic plant-based organism, it is safe to keep in place for up to eight days. The plant is not in fact dead but feeding off the menstrual blood and using it to form its own seed pod deep beneath the cotton batting.

The woman is meant to remove the cup at the end of her menses and replant it into the nutrient rich soil supplied by the company. The plant then regenerates over a period of 28 days when it blooms once again in order to start the process all over again.

The Vampon was released amid a mass marketing campaign aimed specifically at environmentally conscious millennials. The plants, which were sold in both chain pharmacies as well as whole food stores and coops throughout the United States sold out in their first week on the market. Soon after however, reports began pouring in from physicians’ offices of cervical and uterine trauma due to the plant eating through the vagina and into and sometimes through the uterine cavity. Bowel perforations, and bladder damage occurred. Surgical removals of the bloom were frequently required with subsequent repair of damage done. The blooms were reported to have grown in proportion to the amount of damage done.

The deaths reported were no less strange. Women were found by their loved ones with large watermelon sized blooms protruding through their hollowed body cavities. The blooms themselves opened as if awaiting the next unfortunate victim.

An insider from FemLab Inc., who wished to remain anonymous admits that researchers knew of the possible carnivorous nature of the plant.

“That’s how it got the name. We all joked around calling it the Vampire Tampon. It devoured menstrual blood. It was voracious. There really wasn’t a good animal model to test it, so we had a medical simulation mannequin we called The Audrey II, like from Little Shop of Horrors, as a joke. Of course the plant never ate through her parts, they weren’t real meat. We should have known, I think in the back of our minds we all did know, but there was so much potential for a billion dollar industry we ignored the possibilities and put it on the market.”

The short lived Vampon will likely go down in history along with other thoughtless travesties against women such as Thalidomide, Toxic Shock Syndrome, and Donald Trump.

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