Exercise for Exorcists

Prompt Day #336: Draft an excessively strange exercise manual

Sometimes, I enjoy quick, easy, funny prompts like this one, and other times, I just want to write a good story for you all to enjoy. Eh, but it is what it is…one step closer to the end.

Exercise for Exorcists

                The Vatican has published this short but exceedingly important exercise manual for priests preparing to perform exorcisms. As you know, when you begin to exorcise a demon from the human body, it can be a long, grueling, and physically exhausting process. If you fail to see it through to the end, your own soul is in jeopardy. For this reason, you must have both the mental and physical stamina to proceed. In the seminary, you learn how to detach emotionally from pained souls but no one necessarily prepares you for the physical toll. That is what this manual is for—to prepare you for battle with the devil.

After a series of basic stretches and warm-ups, you will need to pick up the weighted crucifix enclosed in this kit.

Exercise 1: Lucifer Lunge: Starting in a standing position with feet shoulder width apart. Hold the crucifix upright against your chest in both hands. Take a deep breath. Step forward with one leg, lowering your hips until both knees are bent at about a 90-degree angle. Make sure your front knee is directly above your ankle, not pushed out too far, and make sure your other knee doesn’t touch the floor. Hold the crucifix out in front of you. Let the breath out in a shout of “The Power of Christ compels you!”

Exercise 2: Holy Trinity Triceps Curls: Now you will need the dumbbell shaped holy water vessel also included in your kit. Hold the vessel at shoulder height with palm facing up and elbow pointed forward. Press the dumbbell directly up over shoulders in line with the body so that your arm is almost straight; keep neck long and shoulders down. Now, bring the vessel down in front of you three times in a row chanting “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost!” before bringing your arm down to neutral position.

Exercise 3: Soul Squats: Unfortunately demons will do many things to make you stop the exorcism including making the victim projectile vomit all over you. This is often foul smelling, putrid bile and you must be ready to dodge it at a moment’s notice. Start again in a standing position, head straight, feet shoulder width apart. Quickly bend your knees and drop into a squatting position as low as you can get. You can also repeat the mantra “Lord have mercy on me and this unclean spirit.”

Exercise 4: Hell Casting Hip Twists: You will be casting the demon from the victim, and you will need to direct it where to go so that you and any observers remain safe. With arms outstretched at your sides, and feet planted firmly on the floor slightly more than shoulder width apart, begin to twist first to your right and then left shouting “I cast thee to Hell!” Be sure to point as you spin to best direct the demon.

Exercise 5: Face Palm Faith Healing: Find the small head-sized medicine ball in your kit. You will first need to set it on a table about bed-height and start it spinning. You may want to mark one said with an “X” for a more realistic exercise. Now, as it spins open your hand and bend your elbow so that your palm faces forward, then as the ball spins, bring your palm down hard upon the ball to stop it spinning. Try to stop it when the “X” or victim’s face is up. When performing an exorcism, it is not uncommon for the demon to cause the victim’s body to do strange and anatomically impossible things like spinning its head around 360 degrees. Practice this exercise to stop the spinning in the correct anatomical position and cry “In the name of God, you are healed!”