Count Yeezus

Prompt Day #356: Peruse a bridal magazine or a celebrity gossip rag. Draw fangs on the frilly and famous until a motive or a plot occurs to you

I don’t know, this is weird. The prompt was kinda weird. It’s the best I can do under the influence of whiskey and multiple cold meds.

Count Yeezus

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Make Their Most Astonishing Confession Yet!

In what might be the most shocking and unbelievable confession yet from Americans “love to hate” duo, an interview with Kim and Kanye in this month’s Cosmo will blow your mind. This reporter was allowed exclusive access into the West’s private boudoir in order to discuss what was to be an article on celebrities’ sex lives.

When I arrived at Kim and Kanye’s west coast abode I was greeted by Kim who first granted me a complete tour of their beach house and explained it was in their house where both children were conceived as Kanye requires a constant stream of salt-water air in order to both achieve and maintain an erection. This is going to be very interesting, I thought. I continued to follow her couldn’t help but notice that her back side and breasts had grown to a more than cartoonish size and now teetered into the realm of the freakish fetish sex mags one can only obtain in cities like Bangkok.

She of course was fully aware of the affect her buttocks and bosom were having as she wore only a skin-toned, painted on latex body suit and arched her back as often as her off-center of balance would allow. She led me to the bedroom where she immediately struck a Venus-like pose on the enormous bed that would dwarf a California King.

“Where is Kanye?” I asked. “Oh, he’ll be here soon, He recently had some work done and is resting.” She looked at her watch. It had to be near 7pm, she’d been insistent that I arrive after dinner.

“Well, why don’t you start by telling me what attracts you to each other sexually?” I asked. I had an idea that I would write an article proving that when it comes to between the sheets behavior, celebrities were no different than you and me.

“Well, I have always been attracted to Kanye’s self-confidence. He knows he is a genius and he knows he can do anything and people will follow in his tracks. He isn’t afraid to go for the outlandish or what some might even consider insane. That’s how he got me, you know?” She said, not realizing how she connected her last two sentences.

“Yes, I certainly do.” I said

And he was, just like everybody else, attracted to the whole package that is me. Although if I am being honest, he does like my boobs and my butt, maybe even more than my face!” She laughed as if she was joking.

Enter the psycho. I notice immediately that the work he had done was something in the dental region as his lips puffed out unnaturally as if he had braces or (please God no) a gold grill surgically applied to his teeth.

“Hey” he said elevating his head to me in a half nod. I was lowly and did not deserve a full one. The leaned over and kissed Kim. “Hey Baby. You look delicious.” There was a lisp there, he’d definitely had something done.

“Well now that Kanye’s here,” I said, “Maybe he can tell me more about his love for you breasts and backside.” I smiled. Kim looked at Kanye.

“Can we tell her now, Baby?” She asked.

“Lemme tell her, it was my idea.” He said and turned to me. He grinned wide, showing elongated, pointed canines that he had obviously had implanted.

“So you’re a vampire now?” I asked trying hard to suppress my laughter.

“No, I’m a Kimpire” he said in all seriousness. “I suck out fat and collagen and inject it into the places I want to see bigger. And look, it’s slowly starting to show.” He smiled and leaned his head back. I saw the holes up the center of the teeth, giving them hypodermic properties.

“Wait, you seriously suck fat and collagen out of your wife’s body and then spit it back into her in other places?” I asked, then held up my hand to stop them, I had more to say about this. “That has got to be unsanitary and almost certainly puts her at risk for infection.” I was appalled.

“We clean, Baby. And yes I do that for her, you get me? I do this to make her a better person.” Kanye said.

“And it barely hurts” she added “he does it during sex, so it’s like S&M or something.”

“When she all out of fat, like when she all worked out and thin, I order the collagen and inject it one way only, you hear what I’m sayin’?” He said. I think I must have been sitting there with my mouth hanging open because they both looked back at me impatiently waiting for me to “hear what he was sayin’”

“So you had hypodermic vampire teeth surgically implanted, so you could perform plastic surgery orally on your wife?” I asked, trying to summarize the situation.

“Yeah, yeah, you got it. See, I strive every day to make Kim the best she can possibly be.”

“So this is all for her?”

“It barely hurts, like hardly at all and if I take antibiotics every day, no problem. And look at me!” She stood and twirled. Kanye smiled showing his ridiculous teeth.

There was nothing else I could ask them, I had been rendered speechless and the idea of an article on celebrities’ sex lives being just like ours went right out the window after only twenty minutes with these two. It was time to go and I kindly bid my adieu to those who live in a world we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

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