Ramsay’s REAL Kitchen Nightmare: The Gaia Feast

Prompt Day #26: Describe a seven course meal that gets increasingly disgusting with each new entrée.

 I had a lot of fun with this one. Bouncing ideas off my husband and father in law: both Chef’s. They basically got sick listening to me and said I was a sick individual. I think it may have actually physically hurt them to hear me butchering fine dining. But I love my creation! I don’t know if meets the requirements of the prompt (getting increasingly disgusting) but I think each course stands along as a vomit-inducing nightmare meal. Bon Appetite!

Ramsay’s REAL Kitchen Nightmare

The Gaia Feast


Welcome to Nightmare Kitchen. Tonight, we are pleased to offer the worst dishes from all regions of the world. Let me go over the menu with you. We have a little joke here at Nightmare Kitchen: Chef makes everything from Old Scratch, mwhaha. Our Gaia Feast is a seven course meal. Beginning with our appetizer course, here we are highlighting the “Gardens of the Midwest”

Course 1: Garden Slug Bruschetta. We have some lovely molded crostinis arranged around our bowl of garden slugs. Chef suggests you place several slugs onto your crostini and allow them to “spread themselves”. Once they have sufficiently covered your toast, place a pinch of salt to stop their migrations and enjoy. The salt will bring out the earthiness of the slugs and bread mold, while the slug jelly itself soaks into the toast giving it a cold, soggy mouth feel. Very nice.

From there, we move onto our soup course and we are just so excited to share this with you. In this course we are showcasing the “Barn Yard” where much of America’s meals begin.

Course 2: Soured Chicken Crop Chowder with Cow Cud Croutons and Shaved Barn-Rat’s Milk Cheese garnish. This is such a difficult thing to come by. To do this first we force feed our chickens whatever garbage slop we can find. We then place a tourniquet just under the crop to keep it from emptying (We assure you; the chicken’s don’t mind at all. It’s quite a pleasant experience for them). This allows the crop contents to sour and develop an active yeast culture which aids to thicken the chowder. The Cow Cud Croutons are harvested after no less than three regurgitations and sun dried on the cow’s own patties. The rat’s milk cheese is a delicacy you will not find anywhere else on the planet I’m sure as the rats are caught and milked by the hands of small children in Indonesia. The milk is then aged in the butchered rat’s own bladder until firm.

For our fish course, we travel to the “Waters of the Gulf of Mexico.” We wanted the authentic taste of the Ocean intermingled with the taste of human interference. The freshest place for a mixture like that can only come from waters still teeming with oil. This dish features a pasta our chef makes in an unusual way. We hope you appreciate it.

Course 3: Hagfish Slime Gnocchi tossed in Blackened Ocean Foam, with sundried beach fish and roasted sand fleas. Our chef strips the copious slime from the hagfish and mixes it with flour and beach sand to make a gritty gnocchi which he tosses in an oil-blackened sea foam skimmed off the beach after a particularly blustery day. While skimming the foam, he harvests any dead, washed up ocean fish that have been drying in the sun (all flies are immediately brushed off and maggots removed). Digging for sand fleas takes much time and effort but when you crunch into a roasted exoskeleton, you’ll appreciate the time put into such a feast. You will also be offered a grating of dried sea star to top your pasta.

We are so very happy to tell you about our palate cleansing course. This course is always changing based on what our chef can forage in the city. This is our “Inner City of America” regional palate cleanser.

Course 4: Inner City Gutter Tribute Sorbet. Now as I said, this course changes depending on the find but we are so happy to announce that there has been a baby boom in our chosen inner city and we hit the loaded-diaper-lying-in-the-gutter jackpot. Chef doesn’t always find a diaper with both urine and feces in it but when he does; he never passes up the opportunity to scrape out the marinated silica gel to use as a base for the sorbet. Don’t worry, urine is sterile. And a baby’s diet consists mainly of milk for the first year and then often, strained and lightly flavored purees. This then gives the excrement a smooth, milky texture akin to a veal pudding. Please enjoy.

And now we come to the main course. Again, our chef has outdone himself. In this course, we are highlighting the “Forests of North America”

   Course 5: Braised Buck-Shot Venison with Abscess Jus. Late Season Musted Acorn and Rabbit Pellet Relish, Crisped Gypsy Moth Larvae Garnish. The true meaning of foraging is walking the forests and gathering food. Our chef stumbled upon a deer which had succumbed to a terrible buckshot wound that had festered and abscessed eventually killing the beast. This sight fired his culinary creativity and our main course was developed. You’ll find it presented on a bed of wet, brown leaves. As this was late November, he noted many acorns lying about, most beginning to rot. During the initial stages of rot, acorns develop a fine must of fungal spores which give off the flavor of a rotted mushroom (very earthy). Another deep earthy, grassy flavor can be found in the droppings of rabbits and since the tastes complement each other so nicely; Chef has put the two together in a relish to top your braised venison. Topping the relish is the Abscess Jus which was hand squeezed from the leg wound of the deer. The yellow color adds to the Autumnal feel of the dish. The gypsy moth larvae were harvested mid-summer and fried to crisps which can then be sprinkled on top to add a crunchy textured garnish. Now, please; savor the tastes of the forest.

For our cold dish we take you to your own back yard pond or creek where Chef uses common backyard animals in some unique and quite uncommon ways. Enjoy our “Backyard Pond” course

Course 6: Chilled Muskrat Brain Pate with Bullfrog Caviar Garnish, Leech Crisps, and Skunk Cabbage Crudité. This a must-try course. Pate and Caviar is usually reserved for only the most up-scale diners. Here is your chance to eat well above your pay scale. The muskrats’ skulls are gently cracked open using a pond stone and the brains are then scrambled and chilled in the top half of the skull forming the serving bowl. The leeches are picked off the legs of the workers who wade in the pond to gather the frog spawn for the garnish and are then pounded flat with the same rock used on the rats. The leeches are then deep fried and used to scoop the pate and caviar. You can also use the Skunk Cabbage Crudités to dip in your pate if you aren’t fond of leeches.


We end our feast by paying homage to our Earth’s vanishing rainforests with this exotic dessert.

Course 7: Aye Aye Picked Tree Grub “Rice” Pudding with Rotted Ground Fruit Compote A Flambé & Dusted with Monkey Fur Pickings. Are we so far removed from our simian ancestors that we can’t enjoy a dessert as they would? We here at Nightmare Kitchen certainly hope not. After years of hard work and finally a well-fitting muzzle, we have trained an Aye Aye (yes that monkey-looking thing with the one monstrously long thin finger) to pick large tree grubs out of the jungle trees. Using them in place of rice, our chef makes a fine custard from the eggs of Toucans. While in the jungle, we gather fruit off the ground. Blackened ground fruit, while rotting, goes through a fermentation process which allows the flambé without the addition of bottled alcohol. Lastly, our sous chefs have spent many hours living with monkeys in the wild, eventually being accepted as one of the pack. That allows them to participate in the grooming processes. They, of course, abstain from eating any lice, ticks, bugs or skin flakes picked off the monkeys’ backs in order to bring it all back to garnish your dessert. We are proud of our dedicated staff here at Nightmare Kitchen and proud of this feast you are about to enjoy—whether you like it or not.



I Am A Mosaic (and I Can Be Serious)

Here’s what you need to know about me. I am a mosaic. I am made up of multiple tiny pieces with different colors, pattern, and even textures. So what if I like to go fishing and get earthworm dirt under my nails? The very next day, maybe I will want to be sparkly and pink and frou-frou to the max. That doesn’t make me less of a feminist. That doesn’t mean I can’t demand equal pay and reproductive rights. Because I like to feel like a girl, look like a girl doesn’t make me any less of a human being.

Sometimes I turn up the 80’s station really loud in my car and sing Come On Eileen at the top of my lungs. I’ll grumble and complain about how awful today’s music is and you might even hear me making fun of the styles the young girls are wearing. But next week, I just might be tapping my toes to Pierce the Veil while buying leggings and a miniskirt at Hot Topic. Know what that means? Nothing. It means my age does not define me. It means that I can like what I like and wear whatever makes me feel good that day and if you don’t like that, well, I’m glad you have an opinion, that’s your piece not mine. I am not a genre. I am a living, moving, changing creature who can appreciate art for art’s sake. I’m really cool with that.

I eat chicken wings and cheese fries and hot dogs because they are freaking delicious. I like sushi and veal cheeks and I learned recently that I also like a good blood sausage. Some days I eat all day and not one thing is good for me and some days I count calories like Rain Man counts toothpicks. I gain weight and feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and then, I bust my ass and lose it again and feel like a little pixie. You know what? I love this about me. I will never be a Victoria’s Secret model living on celery and laxatives, and I will never be on My 600lb Life either but even if I were, I’d be loving every morsel I put into my mouth because food is amazing. It tastes so damn good and if you aren’t out there eating it and tasting it because you feel bound by society’s ideals or you aren’t trying things like Foie Gras or caviar because you think it’s for snobs, then I am sorry for you, because you aren’t using all the perks that came with your body.

Some nights, sex is the only thing on my mind; I might watch some porn or maybe try out my own porn scene in bed. Other nights, the pillow and blankets cover my yoga pants and tee shirt and that feeling is the equivalent of an orgasm and all I want is to be left untouched while I sleep.  I want to do things that make my body feel good. I’ll go to the beach or pool with you and I’ll lie in the sun as long as it feels good, but I’ll abandon the perfect tan in a second to feel the water slipping past my skin while I swim. I’ll go for a run because I love the feel of the wind, the smell of the trees and grass, the sounds of the crickets as I go by, but I’ll take the damn elevator every time because I don’t like to climb the freaking stairs. It’s all about what feels good.

I love my children and I am proud of every accomplishment they achieve. I have never signed them up for every activity that came along or insisted they participate in community service because it looks good on the National Honor Society’s application. I have never made them go to church either. I never stopped them or said no when they wanted to participate however. I have told them every day of their life that I love them, I have made every decision with their well-beings in mind. I have encouraged their dreams, even when I couldn’t understand them. I have never given them lectures on why my beliefs and opinions are right. I have tried to expose them to both sides of a political disagreement, many religions, and cultures. I want them to grow up to become their own mosaic, not another version of me. They have to collect the pieces that will ultimately become the beautiful work of art that is life; their life.

I write this today because I want you to look at yourself and see your mosaic. Are you happy with your pieces? Are there enough colors, patterns and textures there to tell your story or are they all mirrors reflecting whatever society is doing at the moment. Do you see a unique and priceless work of art or just some second hand knock-off of someone else? I have been 40 for five months now and I’ve thought about it a lot, how fast life really does slip by while you are worrying about what you look like, dress like, or how much money you make. What you should be doing is laughing, and tasting, and smelling and loving. That’s what your body is supposed to do. That’s the only way to collect your pieces in this game. We all have our own finish line waiting for us. No one is going to beat us to it. It’s ours. So why worry about what they are doing or what their picture looks like? Why not take their hand and walk the path with them and if you see a piece that isn’t right for you, leave it or better yet, pause and let your friend check it out, it might be the right one for them. People will remember you for the work of art you created by living, they won’t remember you by the pieces you passed by or stepped on. I love my mosaic, even a couple pieces that aren’t quite the perfect color (I’ll just sprinkle some glitter on them). I hope you get out there and find your pieces, I bet your final work of art is gonna look amazing!


If you liked this post today, you realize that I also do some serious writing. I have a Long-Short Story out there on www.freeditorial.com in the long short story contest. It’s called The Appetite of Sin and you can download and read it for free. If you like it, tell your friends. I won’t lie to you; it’s part of a contest and the winner’s story will get published. I’d like to have time to do more writing but to do that; I need to get my foot in the door. That’s where you come in. You can download it to your phone, your e-reader, your computer or all of the above. If you hate it, that’s ok too, if you don’t feel like reading it, I’m cool with that, but if you could take a second to download it, that’d be great. MmK? Thanks a bunch. Mwah!